Kirk Carter@ WGA Copyright 2013
WINE MAMA
BIRDS AND THE BEES
EXT: HUDSON VINEYARDS-3 P.M.
BRIAN AND SANDY OUT IN THE VINEYARD WITH GLOVES ON, CUTTERS IN HAND, GOING THROUGH THE THIRD ROW OF GRAPEVINES
SANDY
"It still amazes me how these dead looking things could produce anything?"
BRIAN
"Many of them won't...but it's good because only the hardest strains of the group will make it...it's like nature's way of finding the best of the group, only the strong will survive another day!"
SANDY
"Mister philosophical here here, but it does make sense, I mean...we're here huh?"
BRIAN
"Well, that's just it, that's the thing, you have to stay focused on what your doing, what your purpose is, but you have to be aware of those who just want to take the easy road, they come and take away whatever it was you achieved, people with resources are just so vulnerable..."
SANDY
"So, just remain diligent?"
BRIAN
"Exactly, let them look and stare all they want, but stay cautious."
SANDY
"It's really that critical huh, I mean, in a sense, you do lose a lot of your freedom?"
BRIAN
"yea, I was thinking back on my buddies...some of them successful, some not so much."
SANDY
"So, what are they doing now?
BRIAN
"They're all dead for the most part, except for a few that managed to get through, but I really don't share much with them, I don't keep in touch, but we do know that each other is around, and that's about it!"
BRIAN SNAPS OFF BIG BRANCH WITH PRUNERS, GREEN OOZE FROM STEM
SANDY
"Bingo...that's a good one right?
BRIAN
"Yea, give me that sealer, so it won't get infected, I never would have thought that this one even had a chance!"
SANDY
"I'm starting to think that this just might work out after all!
BRIAN
"Stick with me kid, I 've been around these bushes for while."
SANDY
"Oh yea, your good with the bushes...all kinds of bushes."
BRIAN
"Stop it, stop it, we've got work to do, but remember to touch the plants, feel the plants, let them know you care...sense their purpose."
SANDY SLOWLY STROKING BASE OF GRAPEVINE
SANDY
"Oh, my precious babies, you know Mama Loves you, oh yes I do, yes I do, you wanna make Mama happy don't you, you wanna make Mama some precious wine don't you?"
BRIAN
"What are you doing?"
SANDY
"Trying to get it horned up, make me some grapes...I dunno?"
BRIAN
"Your getting me horned up and I'm standing way over here!"
SANDY
"So, your going to be making nectar for me?"
BRIAN
"I'm producing as I speak, not that I have much to say in the matter."
SANDY
"Yeah, I always wondered about that...you guys are always making sperm all the time...so what happens when you don't use it all up, or you make too much, what...your balls get fat?"
BRIAN
"Well, it does a little, but it mixes with the seminal fluid right before it leaves the body, you know...through the handy-spout, and the rest, well the rest leaves while we sleep, just kind of dribbles out."
SANDY
"Yuk, that must make a mess?"
BRIAN
"Actually, the night time emissions, since that doesn't mix with the seminal fluid, you hardly notice anything."
SANDY
"At least change your underwear?"
BRIAN
"Hygiene is important!"
SUDDENLY SNAPS A BRANCH, GREEN OOZ COMES OUT
SANDY
"Got me a live one, come here my baby..."
BRIAN
"Was that the one you were getting all horned up?"
SANDY
"Uh-huh, I seem to have that effect...this one must be a boy!"
BRIAN
"Actually, at this stage...look at this thing, wow, that one does have some promise, but at this stage grapevines that have been sitting to themselves this long will tend to get hermaphroditic."
SANDY
"They get herma...homo what?"
BRIAN
"It just means they can swing in both directions...depending on the conditions, like if there is a lot of pollen floating around, living is good, but if times are tuff, they can change sex and basically get themselves off...pretty cool, but then... it also makes them vulnerable to past diseases, cause only a true male can provide the new updates to all the plague, mold, and rot that's constantly reinventing themselves...think of it as anti-botanics from the dudes plants."
SANDY
"So, all this plant magic just happens if you do nothing?"
BRIAN
"No, it's not perfect, but under untended conditions it will keep the species alive until the next season, or better conditions, in some cases a fire is the best thing, because it kills off all the bad stuff, and seeds will start it up all over again...I tell you, Mother Nature is a trip!"
SANDY
"Ever read the Mother Earth News?"
BRIAN
"For sure, that's how I learned about soil prep in California, some really smart people putting that rag together...course now I just get it on-line."
SANDY
"I look at those pictures where those guys have those monster watermelons, how in the hell do you cut something like that up?"
BRIAN
"A chainsaw I guess, but that could get a little nasty, probably a Butcher's grade band-saw, that would be my choice..."
SANDY
"What is a band saw...I'm thinking, the horn section is now leaving the room!"
BRIAN LAUGHING
BRIAN
"It's a looped band of metal with little teeth...like it cuts bone, watermelon, pretty much anything it hits against, very efficient, I have one at the Gator Tail for cutting my gator steaks with...always have the tool for the job, the right recipe for the moment, all that shit!"
SANDY
"I have a recipe I like!"
BRIAN
"What's that?"
BRIAN SUDDENLY SNAPS CLIPPERS INTO ANOTHER HIDDEN GREEN VINE, GREEN OOZE STARTS POURING OUT
SANDY
"Somebody's on a roll here, what you got now?"
BRIAN
"Yeah, that makes sixteen live out of twenty-five...so what was your recipe?"
SANDY SUDDENLY SNAPS INTO A GREEN BRANCH OUT OF THE VISUALLY DEAD BARK, GREEN OOZE COMES OUT
SANDY
"Party, party, I've got nine out of fourteen, baby...we are on a roll here!"
BRIAN
"Okay, let's see if I can ask you one more time here...what was your recipe?"
SANDY
"Okay, okay, well...it's loosely based on where you take a pork roll and make a rub of rosemary and thyme, then marinate it, then you lubricate some Polish sausage with olive oil...then you push the sausage into the pork roll and push it in and out until the oil is well distributed..."
BRIAN
"And what do you call that?"
SANDY
"A Pork Sandy!"
BRIAN
"Okay, that's it, horny little bitch, right now!"
BRIAN DROPPING HIS CLIPPERS
SANDY
"What, right here...in front of the babies?"
BRIAN
"Yea, we'll show 'em how the birds and the bees work right here, when we get through they won't have to be changing sex to survive, they'll sense the moment from what they're gonna learn right here!"
SANDY
"But, we have no seasonings, no oil, no heat?"
BRIAN WALKING UP TO SANDY
BRIAN
"We are going to try out your recipe, but I'm going to put a spin on it."
SANDY
"A spin...what is your spin...what'cha gonna call it?"
BRIAN
GRABBING SANDY AND GENTLY PICKING HER UP OFF THE GROUND, HE HOLDS HER IN HIS ARMS, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND THEN LAYS HER BODY, BACK AGAINST THE SOIL...CARESSING HER HER BODY WITH HIS FROM THE TOP
SANDY
"Oh my...what did you say you call this?"
BRIAN
I'm calling this Pork Sandy Tar Tar...see what you think?"
SANDY
"Oh yes, I'm seeing a true Michelin rating...five stars, and I haven't even sampled it yet!"
BRIAN
"Plate this up baby!"
scene close
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