Wine Mama (45) - Something Smells

Kirk Carter@ WGA Copyright 2013

WINE MAMA (45)

SOMETHING SMELLS

INT: HAVANA, CUBA-ERIC SCHMIDT'S VILLA-OFFICE-1 PM EST

MISTER SCHMIDT PLACING PHONE CALL TO CLARENCE BROWN,  HIS NEW ASSISTANT IN MOUNTAIN VIEW, CALIFORNIA

SCHMIDT

"Hello Clarence...it's Schmidt!"

BROWN

"Mister Schmidt nice to hear from you...how's Cuba treating you?"

SCHMIDT

"It's more like how have I been treating Cuba...it's all going well...Love my villa, but I miss California dearly...tell me, can you do me a favor?"

BROWN

"Of course Mister Schmidt, what can I do for you?"

SCHMIDT

"Well the auctions are coming up for the vineyards, and I was wondering if you could pull me a list on available properties...also I would like to see the production estimates on the grape harvest, primarily Modesto?"

BROWN

"Sure Mister Schmidt, but I don't think those figures will be out till next week...but I'll get them right to you asap, look for me on your email...talk to you later."

SCHMIDT

"Sounds marvelous, look forward to getting your report...have a good day, bye-bye!"

(hanging up)

ABOUT 30 SECONDS PASS WHEN SCHMIDT'S I-PHONE BUZZES, HE NOTICES THAT IT'S DAVE THOMAS CALLING FROM SHEFFIELD WINERIES, HE OPENS CALL

SCHMIDT

"Mister Thomas, and what do I owe the honor of your conversation, haven't heard from you in months?"

THOMSON

"Well, the deal with the Hudson Vineyard is all locked up...you made me such a good offer, I just had to get something cooking...so it's all locked up, contractually and yes...we will be getting the harvest, too!"

SCHMIDT

"No kidding my boy...my goodness, this in indeed is some good news, you have been young man...so what was the deal?

THOMSON

"It's just what I said Mister Schmidt, we got all the grapes...under contract, in our winery within a week or two...look them old vines they had are packed, they refurbished the vineyard and the grapes just exploded...so I talked Cashman into letting my crews onto the property and quite frankly...just letting us haul them away...like taking candy from a baby!"

SCHMIDT

"What was the deal...you must of convinced him using some kind of equity or percentage, I've seen how you guy's play?"

THOMSON

"Your intuitiveness is right on the money, you good Schmidt...it was a forty-sixty percent and get this..."

SCHMIDT

"Let me guess...ferment, then distill...ah, Port Vodka one-hundred proof?"

THOMSON

"Damn old man, you taking all the steam out of my thunder!"

SCHMIDT

"Not really, you surprised me with news of the close...just seeing them when they go bust, ah yes...I can see it all ready, as the Brian and Sandy Love boat goes down in flames...brings such a glorious smile to my face...you did very, very good...I'm quite pleased with your effort..."

THOMSON

"Well, I just wanted to call in with the good news, so how is Cuba anyway?"

SCHMIDT

"Well, areas outside of Havana are just as charming and romantic as when the casinos and the great dance halls were here back in the fifties when Battista was in charge...he was indeed quite the show-runner..."

THOMSON

"And the Castro brothers?"

SCHMIDT

"A man with coin and purpose doesn't fall within the boundaries of a dictatorship...I call my own game, they leave you alone, do what you want...it's all quite lovely..."

THOMSON

"Are we going to see you anytime soon?"

SCHMIDT

"Perhaps in a week or two...we'll see." 

THOMSON

So, it sounds to me that everything is just going perfect?"

SCHMIDT

"Well now...not everything is working out in roses...things happen...but you should know these things?"

THOMSON

"How's that?"

SCHMIDT

"Well, my inaugural gift, that damn rice cooker Castro gave me..."

THOMSON

"What the hell...a rice cooker?"

SCHMIDT

"Yea, well that went to hell in a hand basket...I burned the shit out of the little gizmo...I really don't want the brother's to find out that I almost burned down the villa, so I'm having one of the commoners sneak me in a new one!"

THOMSON

"Well, good luck with that...look I'll be in touch, got a full plate today...take care Mister Schmidt."

SCHMIDT

"By all means, go take care of your business...if you need me just call...it was such a joy hearing from you this morning...be good, chow!"

(disconnecting call)

(scene switch)

INT: GATORTAIL RESTAURANT-BRIAN'S OFFICE

GENERAL MANAGER-JOHN PACING AROUND THE TWO DESK WHERE SANDY AND BRIAN ARE BUSILY WORKING TO PUT THE FINISHING TOUCHES ON THE NEW MENU, SANDY FINALLY LOOKS UP AT JOHN

SANDY

"John, exactly what seems to be your problem?"

JOHN

"Something itch me...I be nervous over this deal you struck with Sheffield, something not right...never here of percentage like that, maybe we check on other offers first...maybe we try Fairfield...they're other fish in sea?"

BRIAN

"Well John, look...we don't have a lot of time to get this harvested...I have contract...I don't understand what's got you in such a tizzy?"

SANDY

"What could happen, we're going to weigh them, count the bunches, what could go wrong?"

JOHN

"Weigh after dethatch, after good cleaning, sometimes weight can change, maybe grapes catch fire, they swap behind door for inferior quality, low grade...I've seen things happen...seen many people lose shirt, be very careful...trust no one, this harvest be worth about two million!"


SANDY

"You know Brian, maybe John has a point...maybe we could get harvest insurance or a bond or something...don't they have that?"


BRIAN

"So, your telling me you have a feeling that Thomson's deal is bogus...he's going to corrupt out harvest...what's he going to do with twenty thousand bushels of grapes?"


JOHN

"How about we mark branches, mandate that everything be monitored from time of harvest to the trip to the winery?"


SANDY

"Why don't we count and mark each grape?"


BRIAN

"That's ridiculous, there's millions of them..."


JOHN

"No, you hire you own crew, pick our own grapes, we weigh it out, take it to them ourselves, videotape everything, but I check on other processors in the mean time!"


BRIAN

"You guy's just just don't get this do you...I have a contract with Thomson, but I'll check with my attorney and have him set a completion bond, that way, if it all fucks up, we still get paid...it's just like making movies, if a lead dies then the investors, as in us, are covered for their out of pocket expenses anyway...it's the only thing that makes sense..."


JOHN

"We could always do the fermentation ourselves?"


BRIAN

"Vineyard is too small, not enough production to make it cost effective...maybe four or five years down the road, but we've got all our coins in on this first harvest...but go on head and check out the other operations...cause if your that suspicious, I think you need to go with your hunches!"


SANDY

"I still think we need to count the grapes!"


BRIAN

"And while we're at it, why don't we put UPC stickers on them...just like big fruit in the stores?"


SANDY

"Yea, like...little bitty ones, and then we could just scan them!"


BRIAN

"Hey Sandy, I've got some grapes!"


SANDY

"How many you got?"


BRIAN

"Two...hey, why don't we go home for lunch and I'll show them to you?"



SANDY

"Do they make wine?"


BRIAN

"No...they make special sauce!"


SANDY

"Can I put stickers on them?"


BRIAN

"Hell no...but I will let you hold them and I'll even show you how to make the special sauce..."


SANDY

"Cool, we could do recipes and stuff!"


JOHN

"Too much information...you talk like that after leaving office, I be red face now!"



REALIZING THAT THEY FORGOT JOHN WAS STILL IN THE OFFICE, SANDY AND BRIAN BREAK OUT LAUGHING IN HYSTERICS 


BRIAN

"Sorry man, we forgot you were here!"


SANDY

"I don't see what the big deal is, it's just a couple of grapes?"


JOHN

"You and your special sauce...you go home now, and take your grapes with you!



scene close