Wine Mama (91) Label It Baby

Kirk Carter@ WGA Copyright 2014

WINE MAMA (91)

LABEL IT BABY

ENT: GATORTAIL RESTAURANT-BRIAN'S OFFICE-MONDAY-10 A.M.

SANDY PUTTING FINAL TOUCHES ON WINE LABEL DESIGN ON HER LAPTOP

BRIAN ON PHONE TALKING TO REPRESENTATIVE WITH ALCOHOL, TOBACCO, AND FIREARMS

JOHN AND GLENDA COOKING IN KITCHEN

SANDY

"This looks pretty good, thought we'd at least give this stuff a name!"

BRIAN ON PHONE

"So, your saying I need a Type Seventeen production license and a Type Twenty distribution license, too?"

ATF Representative

"Well Mister Cashman, it's a Seventeen-Twenty, it's our combo permit for self growers and producers and it's available for twenty thousand or a five percent margin...that's all up to you?"

BRIAN

"Yea, I'll bet you like that margin business, I'm looking at about two mill and (whistles), yea...just give me that twenty grand deal...how long does it take to go into effect?"

ATF REP

"If all the documents match up, about a day and your good to go!"

BRIAN

"Okay, I'm dropping our projections over on your web, so look for me, thanks again!"

ATF REP

"No problem Mister Cashman, good luck, bye..."

BRIAN

"I'm sorry my sweet Bitch in heat...what were you mumbling about?"

LOOKING OVER SANDY HAS LEFT HER CHAIR AND HER RANGE ROVER IS SEEN LEAVING THE EMPLOYEE PARKING LOT

BRIAN GETS UP, GOES DOWN HALLWAY INTO KITCHEN

JOHN AND GLENDA SINGING "YOU LIGHT UP MY LIFE" TOGETHER

BRIAN

"Hey Lovebirds, just stop it or I'm going to need a bromo or something..."

JOHN

"Miss Sandy say you ignore her, she went to printers for bottle labels, truck man say he made delivery of fancy bottles to Bill Ward this morning...and I have big surprise!"

BRIAN

"Okay...which one did you want to elaborate on first...the shock value alone is making me wanna jump off a bridge, I'm getting the jitters...tell you what, which one is more important?"

JOHN

"Well, Sandy getting fifteen thousand labels, truck man deliver one thousand two hundred and fifty cases of custom bottles, twelve each at one liter, and Glenda and me both Catholic, so we need to get legal before we pork...okay to us get married, we both very horny?"

BRIAN HAS TOTAL BLANK STARE

GLENDA

"Mister Cashman, we have tradition with marriage, in the eyes of God, as to how a loving couple shall develop an intimate friendship, so we must hold hands in marriage, before we pleasure your desires...is that good?

BRIAN

"Sure, but that would be worded your desires...never mind...anyway, look I was getting busy with Sandy from the moment I paid the taxes and penalties on her property...she hated me, then fell madly into my arms, now she's best described as a crazed nymphomaniac, I can't stop her...what I'm trying to say is...

GLENDA

"Oh, your Jewish...Hebrew, you can't drink ice tea, dance on glasses, I mean you all have those customs I don't understand?"

BRIAN

"Well, actually I'm Episcopalian...it's like Catholic light, but we have like Wednesday wine night and we don't smoke up the place with the Lavender or whatever you guy's are burning in there, and I guess I practice more of a Scientology's angle, but the important thing is that we're real, we accept each other's presence and well..."

JOHN

"Scientology...you believe in spaceships?"

BRIAN

"Do you really think we got here by ourselves, come on man...morphed from eels, what?

JOHN

"Okay, I see I pee you off, so back to Glenda and me...marriage good thing?"

BRIAN

"Go hit Vegas and do the drive through, Elvis will clean your windshields you don't even have to get out of the car."

JOHN

"Glenda have family, very traditional, so we plan wedding, take day off, then we play till we're tired...rest, then play some more, then raise big family, then we..."

BRIAN

"Yea John, it's a life story your dragging me into here, you know...sometimes I wonder if your not an alien, sure...you deserve each other...get her done, but you need to wait till we get all this wine distributed...Sandy and me will be your fill in's okay?"

JOHN

"Thank you for allowing traditional wedding, very good!"

GLENDA

"You such sweet man, I tear up...I cry!"

BRIAN

"Yea, I think your both aliens...but glad I could help out anyway..."

BRIAN'S PHONE RINGS

BRIAN

"Hello my sweet, where you at?"

SANDY

"I want you now!"

BRIAN

"God, is everybody on the horny wagon, there has to be something in the air or something!"

SANDY

"Well, I just left Kinko's and the labels will be brought over this afternoon...wanted you to approve them, but then I thought about the solid colors on the entrance, how you said that I should just do what makes me..."

BRIAN

"What are you babbling about, what did you end up with...it's really all I was curious about...apparently I've lost control of any control of anyone or anything, so I'm just going to stay out of the business and check in from time to time and see if I'm even needed, okay?''

SANDY

"Brian...are you okay?"

BRIAN

"No, just tired and dejected, reflected, and non-connected!"

SANDY

"You know, if you'd have a little wine in the morning, just a glass...you wouldn't get so constipated like that!"

BRIAN

"I'm not constipated!"

SANDY

"Well, you sound like your holding a shit..."

BRIAN

"So, what if I am?"

SANDY

"Don't lie to me Brian Cashman, so what's up?"

BRIAN

"Your matchmaking has apparently paid off...Glenda and John have both asked me for their hands in marriage..."

SANDY

"Are you going to marry both of them or did you want me to join in, too?"

BRIAN

"I guess you can come, one more couldn't hurt, let's make it a foursome, anyway, they be horny and Catholic and well, I gave them my blessings, are we good with that?"

SANDY

"When I get you home, I'm going to take one of these wine label and stick it around your hard..."

BRIAN

"Enough, that's enough whack job, what do the labels say, what do they look like?"

SANDY

"Well, Your dick..."

BRIAN

"You named our wine "Your Dick"?"

SANDY

"No fuckhead, the label is going around your dick...assuming I don't kill you first for holding a turd up your ass and taking it out on me!"

BRIAN

"I took a shit this morning, and yea I think I will do a little wine just to be on the safe side...really girl what's our label?"

SANDY

"Well it's gold with little a girl holding a baby Gator in her arms, kind of embossed out, it's very sweet, shows the new name of Cashman Vineyards, since I figured we're like married and pork a lot, and it shows that it's the original one-hundred proof Port Vodka grown and produced in Modesto, California...whatta ya think big boy?"

BRIAN

"So, what did you name our wine?

(Silence)

SANDY

"Hope you like it...I mean I'll pay for the labels if you thought up something else?"

BRIAN

"You are my everything, I Love you more than God himself...well that's kind of a stretch, but as far as being the woman of my dreams, being down here, touching you, feeling you, believing in everything your about, okay...okay now that I've sucked up as much as I feel like kissing your sweet butt, what did my Goddess name our swill?"

SANDY

"Wine Mama...what do you think?"

BRIAN TEARING UP

"It's beautiful...just like you, perfect..."

scene close