Sandy Takes Mama (77)

Kirk Carter@ WGA Copyright 2013

WINE MAMA (77)

SANDY TAKES MAMA

INT: GATORTAIL RESTAURANT-BRIAN'S OFFICE-11 A. M.

(CONTINUED)

JOHN COMES RUNNING INTO BRIAN'S OFFICE

"Boss, where Miss Sandy go...she burn rubber out of here, where she go?"

BRIAN

"Yea, she's going to the vineyard to clean her gun or something, she's my wife now, so I'm not suppose to argue with her...after all...I have her insured now!"

JOHN

"What she clean gun for?"

BRIAN

"I guess she's going to go down and shoot that Mama Gator, remember that over-sized pregnant one that you held at broom point, the one we illegally imported into the state?"

JOHN

"But why you not go after her, she could get injured?"

BRIAN

"What would you like for me to do, the Gator's probably asleep under some mud, and knowing Sandy she'll come to her senses and be giving me a call for help any moment now...we'll I hope so anyway?"

JOHN

"If Mama wakes up, she can eat Sandy, she's probably hungry, Gator can outrun man in short sprint...waddle quick, she wait till you within her range, then attack!"

(scene switch)

EXT: HUDSON VINEYARDS-DOWN TRAIL BY CREEK

SANDY WEARING RUBBER BOOTS WALKING SLOWLY ALONG OUTSIDE OF BANK BEHIND ROW OF BUSHES, LOOKING FOR MOMENT, HAS FORTY-FIVE PISTOL IN HAND, WITH A POKING STICK WITH A NAIL TIP ON IT

SANDY TALKING TO MAMA GATOR

"Hey Mama, woo-hoo, you home...it's just Sandy, wanted to see if I could get you anything?"

FINALLY SPOTTING THE BUSH OVERHANG OVER THE MUD JETTY, SHE DECIDES TO THROW A ROCK INTO IT

THERE'S A SUDDEN SWOOSH OF TURBULENCE AS MAMA GATOR TURNS VIOLENTLY TOWARD SANDY, OPENING JAWS AND HISSING

SANDY MISFIRES PISTOL INTO TREE, AS SHE SLIPS DOWN INTO A MUDDY CREVICE LESS THAN TWENTY FEET FROM THE GATOR NEST

MAMA GATOR STARTS TO MOVE TOWARD WHERE SANDY IS STUCK

SANDY PULLS HER FEET OUT OF THE STUCK BOOTS AND STARTS RUNNING BACK UP PATH BAREFOOTED, PISTOL IN HAND, SHE MAKES IT BACK TO THE HOUSE UNSCATHED, SHE DECIDES TO MAKE PHONE CALL

MAMA GATOR FINDS PAIR OF STUCK BOOTS AND PROCEEDS TO TEAR THEM INTO LITTLE RUBBER STRIPS

SANDY

"Hey Brian, ah...I was almost breakfast...but I found her!"

BRIAN

"Really, well that's good...did you two have a spat or something, couldn't see eye to eye about your Gator purse and belt business, what was it Sandy?"

SANDY CRYING

"Brian, this is not funny, that fucking thing almost ate my ass...freaking me out man..."

BRIAN

"Well, I just assumed you had everything under control, and by the way, you did remember what Bob said about having her bury her eggs first, then blasting her into Gator Heaven...or did we forget?"

SANDY

"I know, I wasn't thinking...I just don't want you to get into trouble with this thing."

BRIAN

"No, it's Billy's Gator Wholesale that's on my shit list, but you have to be cool with these people, you can't just start spatting off and threatening people just because they fucked up...diplomacy my sweet, try to remember that!"

SANDY

"I'm going to take a shower, did you want to come out and meet me later?"

BRIAN

"For what, I just said the Gator is not ready to be messed with...I figure a couple of days, then we'll mess with it, it's only Tuesday, so what is it?"

SANDY

"No, no I understand that, I thought maybe if I warmed up some honey and you came over, I could pour some of it on you, and lick it off...the way we did it last time?"

LONG SILENCE

BRIAN BREATHING HEAVILY

BRIAN

"Let me close out these books and get my keys, I'll be right over..."

HANGING UP PHONE, SANDY SMILING, LAYING IN BED STARING AT CEILING

SANDY TALKING TO HERSELF

"Get 'em with honey, works every time..."

scene close

Breakfast and Brain Food

    Keep getting bothered by those who don't quite understand the basics of nutrition. I really don't won't to turn this into a science class, but try to stay away from (GM) gentically modifyed foods like (Burger King, McDonalds, Carl's Jr., anything with a Pollo or Loco in it). Just stay away because their menu's are set-up with garbage, quick carbs, fat, sugar, not to mention tons of bad gluten!

    Stick to an orange (not orange juice), a real apple, and a banana. Unless your planning to go out and work the fields, don't bog down your intestinal tract with eggs and bacon. Mind you, I Love eggs and bacon, but it really doesn't bring my serotonin up to any validity. It just satisfy's as it goes down, and then it just sits in my gut, assuring if anything, a good dump at the end of the day. Instead, do the OAB diet followed by a handful of almonds and cashews (Omega-3's baby!). About 15 pieces per is optimal. Don't sit there like an overwhelmed monkey and eat the whole bag! Like everything else, it will go against you. Too much protein at one sitting will shut you down. Your body has to use a lot of blood, water, and oxygen to break down protein, so be wary of your intake!

    If you can't do anything else, try to be proactive to the concepts offered here. The brain needs food in the same way. If your brain feels good, then everything else will take care of itself. To be fair, for the stoners, eat your shit before you party. You'll get a much better buzz and you won't have the urge to wander around eating junk food, which only help to stimulate triglycerides and mood altering free radicals which mess with your pleasure hormones and dopamine. It's all about your blood glycol anyway...blood sugar being all in balance. It's a good thing!

    Like to toddy, drink, get that buzz on? Get a good quality beer with some fresh tomatoes and okra as a food chaser. Okay, so maybe Okra's a push, but it stabilizes your lucatine, acetal colen, and the carbs cause you to buzz even more, especially if you add a couple of slices of whole grain bread to the mix.

    A harder buzz you say...aw come on? You must want the Bear diet! I instituted this because I'm an old-school alki who couldn't figure out why I was depressed all the time. I was buzzed for sure, but really not having any fun with it. Now, I drink moderately and I don't get depressed. There's a movie script in there some where, I just know it! Get a 750 ml of good Port wine. Don't use a derivative, look for Port wine or better yet Tawny Port wine. It is the basic "must" of all wine. It's pure, super-concentrated, and full of flavor, flavinoids, and raw kick. Now get a pint of good clean vodka. If your lazy like me, just pour half the fifth (750 ml) into a gallon jug. Fill the rest up with clean water and chill. Don't freeze cause it will separate and taste like crap!  Shake it well. Your good for the whole day, good for the party at least.

    For the health nuts, do the straight diet I spoke of before, except add a cooked potato, some kale, a little olive oil, some olives, radishes, maybe even juice some veggies, there ya go! Remember, lack of water is your biggest enemy no matter what you do. If you wait till your thirsty...it's too late. So, drink your freaking water, please! Don't worry where it came from, it doesn't stay in your body long enough to create any problems anyway. You want the hydrogen, that's empirical here. The crap with fluoride and wood acid are so overplayed, you'd have to drink a hundred gallons to do any damage, and then you'd fall over dead anyway! Just get enough exercise and drink enough water and you'll pee out any concerns about heavy metals.

    And for your greens, I like frozen or canned sweet peas, but that's weird old me. For you, just remember one thing. Stay away from the genetics  If you want a piece of steak, chicken, turkey, get it as pure and unprocessed as possible. Stay clear of lunch meat or anything that's been processed!
Drink your water, move around, read my blogs on occasion, and you too can be buzz happy and old like me. Till next time, take care and be good, Kirk Carter  

Gators In The Oven (76)

Kirk Carter@ WGA Copyright 2013

WINE MAMA (76)

GATORS IN THE OVEN




INT: GATORTAIL RESTAURANT-BRIAN'S OFFICE-9 A.M.


BRIAN WORKING ON LAST NIGHTS RECEIPTS

 SANDY WEARING SUNDRESS, HEELS OFF, FEET UP ON DESK, STARING AT HER LAPTOP IN HER LAP


SANDY

"You think I should call Bob again, Mama's bugging me?"


BRIAN

"Who's Mama?"


SANDY

"Our Mama, the one blocking off most of a public stream, something's not right about all this!"


BRIAN

"I have an idea, why don't you just take your forty-five, go down there and just blast the thing?"


SANDY

"Can't just do that, I couldn't live with myself..."


BRIAN

"You got over the little baby Bear?"


SANDY

"Yea, well that was different, that was an accident!"


BRIAN

"Well San...call Bob for Christ sake, I'd like to know how long this little waiting game is going to be on these eggs, I'm getting kinda of nervous too, you know?"

SANDY ALREADY ON PHONE

SANDY

"Way ahead of you big Daddy...Hey Bob, it's Sandy, got a moment?"


BOB ON PHONE

"Sure Sandy, how's our Gator doing?"


SANDY

"In the stream, blocking most of the natural drainage coming out of Modesto from ever getting to the sea...no biggy, it's dug down into some leaves and mud under an overhang of bushes, that's kind of why I called, I mean...is it cool leaving her there like that?"


BOB

"As far as she's concerned, she's probably set up shop, lay her eggs, bury them where the mud can get some sunlight, cause the warmth of the egg shell determines what gets born, not much you can do till that occurs."


SANDY

"When you say what gets born, whatcha mean?"


BOB

"Well for a Southern Gator, any temps below eighty-six will all be females, anything above ninety and they'll be males."


SANDY

"Well that sucks, it never gets that warm in Modesto this time of year, and all those trees, I mean, it's impossible...what about if the temp is at eighty-eight, does that make them gay or something?"


BOB LAUGHING

"It might, you never know, that's why they have such strict rules for farming operations on any aquatics that aren't in a controlled and approved environment, you could get into a lot of trouble with the feds if they found out you were allowing this to take place, so be very, very careful!"


SANDY

"Okay, so what's the game plan, or at least what would be the best game plan in your opinion?"


BOB

"Wait for her to lay her eggs, then give it a day or two...you might want to see if Brian can set up some surveillance, a camera or something...because after that, after she figures that everybody has been buried alive, so to speak...she will probably high-tail it out of there, which would not be a good thing, so...just keep an eye on what's going and be prepared to take some quick action when the comes!"


BRIAN

"Ask him how long is it going to take for her to dump this load of Tator Tots and throttle the waddle anyway?"


SANDY

"How longs do the eggs take to hatch?"


BOB

"Depending on how warm it get's, climate conditions, predators like Racoons and stuff, between forty and fifty days, but the better idea is to verify that she has laid them, wait for her to take off, go back and dig up the eggs and go put them in your birthing pool."


SANDY

"Oh, so we just hatch them ourselves, like a little nursery, that sounds exciting...so what about Mama?"


BOB

"Well Sandy, if your lucky enough to catch up with the thing without drawing much attention, before it get's too far downstream and start eating people and things like that, you may want consider killing the thing somehow...for everybodies safety!"


SANDY

"I guess you were right Brian, even Bob wants me to go down and blast the thing...that is after...how you say...bury the Tator Tots (laughing), that's kind of cute."


BOB

"Now, get a wireless camera with night vision with motion detection, they have lot's of models, and get that looking in the direction of the nest, cause your only going to have about twenty-four or so hours before Mama tails it out of there, and in the mean time start figuring out the placement of this pool in your barn, because you need it like off in the cornor where you can cover it up from any observation or detection from other animals, also all the noise, too"


SANDY

"All the noise, what noise, where's the noise coming from?"


BOB

"From the Gator's in the eggs, they start screaming for Mama to come let them out, and that can go on for over a week, it's like high squealing, it carrys a bit!"


SANDY

"I'm starting to think we should just go on head and kill Mama, butcher her up, get the eggs and make a shitload of Gator omelets...this is not only risky, but a big pain in the ass, too!"


BOB

"Well now Sandy, it's your Gator on your property, and although David and me were friends from way back, if you should get cited for this...well look, I would really appreciate it if my name didn't come up as anyone who gave assistance or course of action, understand?"


SANDY

"Oh sure Bob, I completely understand, putting your creditability on the line for an old family friend...after all, they don't call me the Annie Oakley of Modesto for nothing!"


BOB

"Well, I'll give assistance, but if they ask about where you got it...just say you Googled it or something!"


SANDY

"Shit Bob, I blast bad guys, Raccoons, Bears...if the things don't do what I tell them, I send them to Sandy's blast museum...but Bob, it was fun and thanks again, take care!"


BOB

"Anytime I can be of help girl, just ring me up, be good...bye!"

SANDY STANDING UP AND WALKING OVER TO BRIAN WHO'S HAS HIS HEAD BURIED INTO A WEBSITE ON EXOTIC FOOD TRENDS


SANDY

"What you looking at?"


BRIAN

"You got me thinking, about what's the best way to prepare a Gator omelet?

SLAPPING HIM ON THE BACK


SANDY

"Brian, we were just talking like that in fun, we're not going to make Gator omelets or anything, what are you thinking crazy boy?"


BRIAN

"Despite your good humor about all this, I could lose my permit to import any exotic meats, living or dead into the state of California, lose my business, and well...I'd prefer to avoid that!"

SANDY STARING OUT THE WINDOW

SILENCE IN ROOM


SANDY

"Find some good recipes boy!"

SANDY PUTTING HER HEELS ON AND PICKING UP HER STUFF, GRABBING HER KEYS


BRIAN

"Where are you going my deranged Bride?"


SANDY

"Going back to the vineyard, I gotta gun to clean...Mama's days are numbered!"




scene close

Mama Make Babies (75)

Kirk Carter@ WGA  Copyright 2013

WINE MAMA (75)

MAMA MAKE BABIES

INT: GATORTAIL RESTAURANT-BRIAN'S OFFICE-10 A.M.

SANDY ON PHONE WITH BIOLOGIST BOB LEE


SANDY

"I know it's been a while, thanks for coming to the funeral by the way, I wanted to talk with you, but I just wasn't in the mood to talk with anybody...you know what I mean?"


BOB LEE (OLD FREIND OF FRANK, SANDY'S DECEASED HUSBAND)

"Of course Sandy, I understand...oh Frank was quite the man coming up, had these big dreams of designing master buildings and..."


SANDY

"I know, trust me I know, ended up setting up sewer systems...guess it was his calling, who knows?"


BOB

"So girl, what can I do you for...saw your picture with your hubby there, looks like you picked you a good one there...his name Brian right?"


SANDY

"Yea, he saved the vineyard and my sanity, just Love him to death, how's Jeanna, you are still married huh?"


BOB

"Everything is fine, had a little boy, looks just like my Dad, weird, so what can I do you for?"


SANDY

"Well you know, we import Gator tails out of New Orleans for the business, the Gatortail...well one of our trappers was killed and eaten by another Gator, so we got this other supplier to get us some Gators, but he misunderstood or something, I haven't heard what the thing was exactly, but they were sending, instead of the Gator tail meat, they were sending whole Gators, anyway one of the Gators got shot, but didn't die!"


BOB

"Wait what, you have one that survived the transfer to Modesto?"


SANDY

"Well yea, I don't know if it was stunned, a flesh wound through Gator skin, anyway, it was in the bag and survived...so I need to ask you..."


BOB

"Okay, so you are buying Gator meat, now you've ended up with a live Alligator here in California?"


SANDY

"Well, yea but we didn't do it intentionally, we just found it in the shipment, all the other nine were dead, we hacked them up and are using them."


BOB

"Why didn't you just kill the tenth one then, it was part of your restaurant supply right?"


SANDY

"Well..."


BOB

"What Sandy, I'm missing something here?"


SANDY

"It was a big Gator, a big Mama Gator, it's pregnant..."


BOB

"Okay, now you've accidently imported a live pregnant female Gator into the state of California where it is clearly considered a felony, why are you bothering me?"


SANDY

"Bob, it's babies, have a heart here man!"


BOB

"Alright, calm down so we can figure out what to do...you do have a place for this thing to stay, I mean...where is it at right now?"


SANDY

"We have it at the vineyard in the barn."


BOB

"In what?


SANDY

We had to transfer it over there with a slab of bacon, we'll that's how we got it in the van, then we took it over and dropped it off, that's why I'm calling you...hold on Brian's coming!"


BRIAN

"Well, just got off the phone with Billy Bob and he had those Gators shipped on consignment from three trappers, the live one was from a Gator circus thing, like a Gator fantasy land, come see the Gators thing...apparently it was shipped without mangement approval, so they would really like to get they're Gator back, or so I was told?"


SANDY LOOKING BLANK

"They want the Gator back, fuck...how much other shit can we get into here, it's like everytime we turn around, oh God...


BOB

"Sandy, are you still there, hello, hello?


SANDY

"Well, I figured out what was going on, somebody was trying to make some quick money by shipping a Gator against the open request from a scrupelous middleman, whatever ever he is, guess all that is just a percentage, who knows...we lost our trapper, and Brian was doing what he could...poor thing, I..."


BOB

"Okay Sandy, I think we've established what has occured, was just a little worried that you may have intentionally gotten yourself into trouble, don't worrry, we'll figure something out."


SANDY

"Thank you so much Bob, I just knew, I knew that if anyone could help, it would be you, so where do...where can you take us?"


BOB

"I'll do what I can Sandy, what can I do?"


SANDY

"Well, she's pregnant, the enviroment, what do we do?"


BOB

"Being of the reptillian member and pregnant, let's have a little water like a pool, maybe a little island in the corner, then some shelter...some stuff off the vineyard should do!"


SANDY

"Is color a problem, I was thinking something pink..."

(LONG PAUSE)

BOB

"Whatever you Sandy, Gators are pretty much color blind, but they do experience visual contrast!"


SANDY

"Brian, let's get a pool, some water, an island..."


BRIAN

"What, like an old tire, what?


SANDY

"Bob, is an old tire good?"


BOB

"That's perfact, maybe an old truck tire with a lot of foilage put on top, pile it up high!"


SANDY

"Thanks so much Bob, I knew you could help us out, thanks again!"


BOB

"Well wait, would you like me to come out and see the set-up?"


SANDY

"Not only that, but...how about dinner with you and the misses at the Gatortail...wine included?"


BOB

"Well, thank you Sandy, go on head and set everything up, and we can be out there tommorrow if that's okay...don't want to keep the babies waiting!"


SANDY

"That's so sweet, give me a call, got some shopping to do, so give me a call, bye..."

LOOKING AT BRIAN


BRIAN

"I take it we're going shopping?"


SANDY

"Yes, and find a cobbler please?"


BRIAN

"A cobbler, what kind of cobbler...one that cobbles?"


SANDY

"No, one that can turn all those leathery Gator parts that poor John widdled away from your precious Gator meat, I could kill on custom handbags!"

(3 HOURS LATER)

THEY GO BUY A TWENTY-FOUR FOOT POOL IN A BOX AND SOME HIGH-PROTEIN TURTILE AND REPTILE FEED AT COSTCO, SHOWING UP AT THE VINEYARD THEY PARK BY THE BARN.

OPENING UP THE BARN DOOR, THE TEN FOOT MAMA GATOR IS MISSING

LOOKING ALL OVER THE PLACE, CALLING "MAMA", THEY COME UP EMPTY

SUDDENLY BRIAN SEE'S A GASH HOLE IN A WATER DAMAGED HOLE IN THE WALL


BRIAN

"Well, if you have teeth and you prego, might as well make for escape."


SANDY

"How the hell did..."


BRIAN

"Fuck Sandy, big ass sucker just knawed through the wall, didn't know we we're coming back...it's an Alligator, it does what it wants, she's gone...she went to bore the family!"


SANDY

"Can we find her?"


BRIAN

"Let's check..."

GOING OUT IN BACK OF THE BARN WHERE THE HOLE ORIGINATED, THEY QUICKLY SEE THE HEAVY TRACKS

FOLLOWING THEM DOWN, THEY END UP BY THE SAME PART OF THE CREEK THAT THE RABID RACCOON DIED AT

LOOKING A LITTLE FURTHER, THEY SEE MOVEMENT UNDER AN OVER HANGING BUSH, THEY STOP, BRIAN NOW TAKING LIVE VIDEO WITH HIS I-PHONE


BRIAN

"I'm not a specialist on this shit, but knowing a Mama, I don't think this ios a good time to bother her, she's getting ready to..."


SANDY

"Have her baby's...that is so cool!


BRIAN

"I think she'll be okay for now, she's settled in, let nature takes it's course...shit, this might be the first live Gator birth California has ever experienced."


SANDY

"What's weird is that we can't even tell anybody, this is not a time to call the papers or anything?"


BRIAN

"I was just thinking about how do we deal with a live alligator running around on our property?"


SANDY

"Hope they like Turtle Chow, cause we got a ton of it?"


BRIAN

"Thing is, we need to stay focused, cause I don't want this thing running off with these Gator prints all over our property...we've got to get her back in the barn, I have a felling we're not out of the woods yet!"


SANDY

"If not Turtle Chow, she definatly has weakness for slab bacon."


BRIAN

"Just hope she doesn't eat the Bears...they're all over the place this time of year!


SANDY

"Why would the Bear's be worried?"


BRIAN

"They don't even come on the property anymore, they're scared to death of you...afraid you might shoot their babies, remember.


SANDY

"Your probably right, but I did notice something else?"


BRIAN

"What's that?"


SANDY

"They don't even go near our garbage bins anymore since that happened!"


BRIAN

"You've got a point there, but boy...what a price to pay, so what's next?"


SANDY

"We know where Mama's at, nothing more to do here except..."


BRIAN

"Mizz Cashman, my new wife, would you give me the honor of taking you across the threshold of the vineyard door and making Love to you right there on the kitchen counter?"


SANDY

"Why surly sir, and maybe the porch, around the breakfast area, and if you can hold it together, we might even make it to the master bedroom?"


BRIAN

"That would be almost unthinkable a week ago...that juicing has really got me pumped.


SANDY

"Your not peeling anymore either, so show me what you got mister?"


BRIAN

"One thing concerns me though?"

AS THEY BOTH WALK BACK TO THE HOUSE


SANDY

"What worried about Mama Gator?"


BRIAN

"No, wonder if Costco's going to take this pool back?"




scene close

Traveling Gators (74)

Kirk Carter@ WGA Copyright 2013

WINE MAMA (74)

TRAVELING GATORS

EXT: GATORTAIL RESTAURANT-LOADING DOCK-WEDNESDAY-7 A.M.


JOHN IS OUT ON THE DOCK GUIDING THE FED-EX TRUCK INTO THE SLOT

DANNY HIS LONG TIME DELIVERY DRIVER PULLS OUT I-PAD TO VERIFY ORDER


JOHN

"Not sure what this order is going to look like, but let's see?"


DANNY

"I've been doing this for a long time, but I swear...something was moving back there?"


JOHN

"Hope not, that wouldn't be good?"

LOOKING AT THE BIG SEALED PACKAGES, JOHN IMMEDIATELY REALISES THAT SOMETHING IS TERRIBLY WRONG WITH THE SHIPMENT


DANNY

"What's wrong John, look like you saw a monster or something?"


JOHN

"These Gators haven't been processed, they're still whole...we just ordered Gator tails, not the whole Gator!"

LOOKING AT THE DOCKET, HE SEES THAT IT'S LISTED AT TWELVE-HUNDRED AND FIFTY-TWO POUNDS, AT A COST OF THREE THOUSAND AND TWO-HUNDRED DOLLARS


DANNY

"Thought this order seemed a little big...but I figured business was picking up, so I just got a couple of guys to help me load it up, got the dry ice in there, so I guess it's all good?"


JOHN

"Oh no, this is a mess...Brian is never going to go for this...why did this guy ship all this?"


DANNY

"Well, I can't ship something like this back, it's not going to happen...why don't you call Brian up and see what he wants to do?"


JOHN

"I can hardly wait for this..."

PULLING OUT HIS I-PHONE HE CALLS BRIAN

BRIAN ANSWERING

"Yea John, what's up?"


JOHN

"Well we got the Gators in?"


BRIAN

"That's great, just in time...why, is there a problem?"


JOHN

"Oh yea, they are whole, like whole Gators, they haven't been cleaned, still got the leather on them and everything!"


BRIAN

"Oh, come on, you've got to be kidding me, didn't they know what I was requesting, this is crazy, what's the damage on all this...you know, the shipping?"


JOHN

"Oh, about three thousand, two hundred dollars, it's about twelve hundred and fifty pounds of Gator...I mean I guess we could hack them up and make some shoes and bags out of them, but I've never actually cleaned one of these boys from scratch!"


BRIAN

"So, I guess Danny is not going to take them back, huh?"


JOHN

"No, they are officially out of the truck and he has left...it's all on your American Express, that card where you don't leave home without it!"


BRIAN

"What does that come to?'


JOHN

"It's not bad really, you've got ten Gators, all of them look about eight feet, except for one...wait, there was one over here about ten feet, but hold on, I think it fell off the dock, hold on!"


BRIAN

"How did it fall off the deck?"



JOHN STARING OUT INTO THE BACK ENTRANCE, MOUTH OPEN, SPEECHLESS


JOHN

"Boss, you need to get over here right away...no serious, right now!"


BRIAN

"What's up?"


JOHN

"It's alive, the fucker is living and breathing, maybe you should bring a gun or something!"


BRIAN

"I can't believe this, let me get dressed, Sandy and me will be right over, bye!"


(1 HOUR LATER)

JOHN HAS THE GATOR CORNERED INTO THE LOADING SLOT WITH A BROOM

THE GATOR IS SNAPPING AND HISSING

BRIAN AND SANDY PULL UP IN VAN WITH GUNS DRAWN


SANDY

"Wait, I think that's a female, look at the belly on that thing...I think it's pregnant!"


BRIAN

"That's just great, how did they even ship this thing?"


JOHN

"Well, it was on dry ice, and it probably wasn't even dead, just kind of in a frozen state, like comatosed, then I guess everything warmed up a little, I don't know..."


SANDY

"I think I know what to do, John go get a slab of bacon out of the fridge, we might be able to coax it into the van!


BRIAN

"Fuck that shit, what are we suppose to do with it after that, name it and start a family?"

GATOR STARTS SNAPPING AND HISSING AGAIN

EVERYBODY PULLS BACK


SANDY

"For the time being, we'll take her over to the vineyard, before the police see it or something...you could get in trouble for having this thing, come on..."

AFTER TYING THE BACON ONTO A STRING, THEY HOLD OUT THE END OF THE BROOM, THE GATOR INSTINCTIVELY STARTS TO FOLLOW THE HANGING BACON AS SANDY WALKS IT OVER TOWARD THE VAN


BRIAN

"John help me with this piece of plywood, we'll make a little ramp, hope we can just walk it up."


JOHN

"Then what?


BRIAN

"From what I can remember, back in New Orleans, we would just cover it's eyes up, unless your feeling lucky and would like trying to wrestle the thing?"


JOHN

"No, that's okay, let's just cover the eyes..."

SANDY WALKING UP RAMP, GATOR FOLLOWING

GATOR FINALLY IN, SHE THROWS A POTATO SACK ON IT'S HEAD

GATOR BECOMES STILL


BRIAN

"Not that it's of any real concern, but where in the world were you planning on storying this thing?"


SANDY

"Till we can get a pool or something, I figure we could pull the van into the barn and let her out in there...it could work, maybe wash her down with a little water, let her eat her bacon slab, what harm could that be for the time being?"


BRIAN

"I'm glad you know what your doing my little Gator specialist, hey John, go on head and just chop the tail's off these other one's with the band saw, assuming they're dead, and I'm going to help Sandy with the new family pet, we'll be right back."


JOHN

"Okay boss, don't forget to call that guy Billy up and find out what the hell happened with the shipment?"


BRIAN

"Yea, you got that right!"

(30 minutes later)

PULLING INTO THE BARN AT THE HUDSON VINEYARD, SANDY IS TRYING HER BEST TO KEEP THE GATOR'S EYES COVERED UP

BRIAN STARING AT THE TAIL, AS HE OPENS THE REAR DOOR


BRIAN

"What's are we suppose to do now?"


SANDY

"Take it out the side door I guess, here put the plywood over here..."

AFTER PLACING THE RAMP AGAINST THE SIDE DOOR, SANDY COAXES IT OUT OF THE VAN WITH THE STRING OF BACAON SLAB


BRIAN

"Are we going to tie it up or what?"


SANDY

"No, till I can call Bob Lee up and get him over here, just let the thing waddle around."


BRIAN

"Who's Bob Lee?"


SANDY

 "He was a freind of Frank's, he's like a Biologist for U.C. Berkely, he'll know what to do...at least without getting us in trouble!"


BRIAN

"Aren't we gonna just kill it, that is part of my food supply there, I figure she cost me five-hundred dollars as she is?"


SANDY

"It's got babies, maybe we could start a secret Gator farm down by the stream?"


BRIAN

"Anything else you need?"


SANDY

"Well, I could use some shoes and a couple of new hand bags!"


BRIAN

"Yea, I think we can handle that!"

GATOR SWALLOWING THE BACON SLAB AS SANDY DROPS IT ON FLOOR


SANDY

"And some Gator chow...this thing is hungry!"


BRIAN

"Gator chow, right...If it's not enough messing around with the wild Bears, now we've got a Gator in a maternity ward...we should just start charging admission and open up a wild life park?"


SANDY

"Don't count anything out at this stage?"


BRIAN

"Trust me, I'm not...what kind of pool do you get for a pregnant alligator anyway?"


SANDY

"I dunno, maybe a pretty pink one?"


BRIAN

"Oh God!"



scene close

Gator Bites (73)

Kirk Carter@ WGA Copyright 2013

WINE MAMA (73)

GATOR BITES

EXT: LOUISIANA SWAMP-OUTSIDE LAFAYETTE-BAYOU BLACK-MONDAY-6 A.M.

TIM LAROUSSE (BRIAN CASHMAN'S DESIGNATED TRAPPER) IS IN JOHN BOAT TRYING TO UNTANGLE A SIX FOOT GATOR FROM A TRAP, TRYING TO GET CLEAN SHOT AT IT WITH TWENTY-TWO RIFLE

MEANWHILE, UNBEKNOWNST TO HIM A BIG FOURTEEN FOOT MAMA GATOR IS COMING UP TO HIM FROM OTHER SIDE OF BOAT

WITH FULL FORCE, SHE RAMS BOAT TIPPING IT OVER CAUSING TIM TO FALL IN WATER, AS BOAT SINKS

MAMA GATOR ATTACKS TIM EATING HIM ALIVE

(2 HOURS LATER)

LOUISIANA WILDLIFE AND GAMING BOAT ON PATROL, SEE'S CARNAGE

PULLS IN CHECKING BODY AND BOAT NUMBER FOR PERMITS AND IDENTIFICATION

DEPUTY FORCHE

"Yea, Peggy...you out there, this is seven-sixty, Deputy Forche, we got one of our Gator trappers out here deceased, looks like an attack, might want to get the coroner on the horn, ten-four?"

PEGGY-LAFAYETTE STATE POLICE DISPATCH

Ten-four seven-sixty, what's your location, copy?"

DEPUTY FORCHE

"About a mile into the east inlet to Bayou Black, I'm I.D. of a Tim Larousse, twenty-nine years out of Lafayette, ten-four?"

PEGGY

"What's his condition, anyone else hurt or injured, ten-four?"

FORCHE

"No, looks to be alone, pretty chewed up, torso eaten out, got a trapped gator still in the water, but I don't think he did this, too small...probably a ticked off monster gator came up and took care of business, although I don't see anything right now, ten-four?"

PEGGY

"Affirmative seven-sixty, I have dispatched an airboat, it just came up that he was permitted through a Brian Cashman in Modesto, California, I'm going to notify him right now, ten-four?"

FORCHE

"Yea, looks like he might be shopping for a new trapper, this one is done, that's for sure, ten-four!" 

PEGGY LAUGHING

"That's terrible, but true...them Gator bites do kind of be the end of the line for most of them boys, dispatch be ten-six!"

PEGGY CALLING BRIAN IN MODESTO

(scene switch)

INT: GATORTAIL RESTAURANT-BRIAN'S OFFICE

BRIAN PICKS UP PHONE

"Good morning, Gatortail, Cashman speaking..."

PEGGY

"Yes, this is Peggy Calder with the Louisiana State Police, I'm sorry to inform you, but a trapper that you had permitted to you, has just been found deceased in the swamp, apparently a trapping accident, he was mauled by an Alligator..."

BRIAN

"Oh my God, when did this happen?"

PEGGY

"On of our officer's found him by his tipped over boat this morning, I'm very sorry, I send my condolences, sir"

BRIAN

"Yes, okay, thank you..."

HANGING UP PHONE HE CALLS JOHN ON THE INTERCOM, COMING IN OUT OF KITCHEN


JOHN

"What's up boss, wanted to say congratulations to you and the the new bride by the way..."


BRIAN

"Yea thanks, ah I just got a call from the State Police in Louisiana, Tim our trapper was killed by an Alligator this morning, isn't that lovely?"


JOHN

"It took us so long to get him and get him all hooked up, we're going to half to work fast and try to find someone else."


BRIAN

"Yea, well there is a wholesaler's clearinghouse over there in Bossier City, but they charge quite a bit, so I guess we'll just have to exchange a little profit for supply?"


JOHN

"Well, we are using about ten a week, so you need to get on the horn, cause we were expecting a shipment on Wednesday, so we need to get calling, can't be running out of tail, even if we are in Modesto, I've got to go finish putting together the Gumbo!"


BRIAN

"Yea okay, hell of a welcoming back, you heard about Sandy getting kidnapped by some of Sheffield's boys...I've still got to contend with that?"


JOHN

"Yea, Sandy mentioned it this morning, but she didn't seem to concerned...that girl's pretty tough, you two are like watching a drama...in real life, not too much shocks me anymore!"


BRIAN

"Yea, it amazes me how we're even still alive, someone upstairs is definitely watching our ass, that's for sure...just keep beating the odds, truly amazes me..."

JOHN LEAVES OFFICE AND GOES BACK TO KITCHEN, AS BRIAN LOOKS ON INTERNET FOR GATOR TAIL WHOLESALERS

CALLING UP BILLY'S GATOR EMPORIUM IN NEW ORLEANS


BILLY ANSWERING

"How you'all doing, Billy speaking?"


BRIAN

"Yes, this is Brian Cashman with the Gatortail Restaurant here in Modesto, California, ah my trapper...my supplier was mauled by a Gator this morning down in Lafayette and I was wondering if you could help me find someone to fill his shoes, so to speak!"


BILLY

"Yes sir, we just heard about it on the new, that was Tim...met him a couple of times, really sorry to hear 'bout that, but sometimes the Gator wins, just some bad luck there...gotta keep your eyes open all the time...so had him permitted through you?"


BRIAN

"Yea, almost a year...really good guy...guess I need to run down if their having a funeral, I don't even know if he had any family...you know anything?"


BILLY

"Weird thing about it, that's how his Daddy died, too, Mama passed years ago from the cancer, and I think he had a girlfriend and a dog, they probably just cremate what's left of him...down here, the Gator takes his spirit back to the swamp...wouldn't worry 'bout it too much, you know?"


BRIAN

"Okay, can you see about setting me up with about ten whole Gator tails for Tuesday, say six to eight footers, need them poly-sealed, dry ice, and shipped out Fed-Ex'ed out?


BILLY

"I don't know Mister Cashman, you'd first have to set up an account, and then I'd probably have to get a shared lot from a couple of trappers, that's a pretty big order there, why don't you fill out the form on the net there, and I'll get you cleared through."


BRIAN

"Okay, but I was just going to give you my American Express number for the time being...you take that?"


BILLY

"Well sure, but your probably looking at eighty or ninety dollars a tail, then the shipping?"


BRIAN

"What...Tim was getting sixty a tail, what's the deal?"


BILLY

"Sir, you were dealing directly with the trapper, things work a little differently when you go through a broker, you should know that...I have to make a living, too?"


BRIAN

"Your right, well, do me a favor and ask around if you don't mind?"


BILLY

"I'll do whatever I can Mister Cashman, go head and fill out that form, and I'll make some calls, get back to you...have a good day, sir...goodbye!"


BRIAN

"You too Billy, thanks again for your help, goodbye..."

BRIAN WALKS INTO KITCHEN, TALKING TO JOHN


JOHN

"Well the what's the word, did you have any luck?"


BRIAN

"I think so, talked to a Billy at some Emporium wholesaler down in New Orleans, he'll be able to hook me up I think?"


JOHN

"He give you a good price?"


BRIAN

"Let's put it this way, we may have our tails, but it's really going to cut into our profits for a while...dealing with a wholesaler is a little different than working with an independent!"


JOHN

"Hey, they got to eat, too?"


BRIAN

"Eat me into the poor house, yea, I already got the lecture...gumbo smells good.


JOHN

"I don't use so much Gator in this one, try to cut back till I know we're getting shipment."


BRIAN

"You are the man John...you are the man!"


JOHN

"Don't worry, this all work out...Big Man upstairs watch over us...you know that!"


BRIAN

"He may be watching over us, but there's one thing for sure?"


JOHN

"What's that?"


BRIAN

"He wasn't watching over Tim this morning...guess he can't be everywhere at once."


JOHN

"He keeps his hands full just trying to keep you and Miss Sandy alive, he ain't got time for anyone else, you two wear him out!"


BRIAN

"Yea, learn to share...can't be selfish all the time!"




scene close

  

Wine Mama (72)-Pawning Sandy

Kirk Carter@ WGA Copyright 2013

WINE MAMA (72)

PAWNING SANDY

INT: PALMS HOTEL-HONEYMOONER'S SUITE-SUNDAY-7 A.M.

BRIAN WAKES UP, NOT SEEING SANDY, HE THINKS SHE'S IN THE SHOWER

PROCEEDS TO SNEAK UP TO THE BATHROOM, COMPLETELY NAKED

WITH BUTT SHOT SHOWING TO CAMERA, HE OPENS DOOR ONLY TO SEE NO SANDY

NOT SEEING HER, HE GETS WORRIED LOOK, CALLS DOWNSTAIRS TO PAGE HER

AFTER ABOUT 15 MINUTES, NO RESPONSE

PHONE RINGS, BRIAN ANSWERS

BRIAN

"Hello, Sandy...I mean hello, who is this?"

UNFAMILIAR VOICE

"Hello Mister Cashman, how are we doing this morning?"

BRIAN

"Fine, who is this?"

VOICE

"Oh, that's not so important, we were more interested in making a deal...you are in the mood for making a deal aren't we?"

BRIAN

"What do you want, I'm really not in the mood for any games right now!"

VOICE

"Neither are we, we just thought you might like to make a fair trade on a certain commodity that we have in our possession?"

BRIAN

"What possession do you have?"

VOICE

"Oh, I think her name is Sandy Hudson, I'm sorry Cashman, congratulations on the wedding, didn't mean to break up the moment, but my boss insisted we intervene...you guys were just having way too much fun!"

BRIAN

"Where is she, let me speak to her?"

VOICE

"Not till we make a deal first, you need to listen really close, and if you want your precious little Sandy back, I would suggest you listen carefully!"

BRIAN

"How in the hell did you take her out of here, how do I know this isn't some messed up game?"

VOICE

Listen closely...you can hear those muffled groans and screams..."

IN BACKGROUND YOU HEAR SANDY TRYING TO TALK WHILE GAGGED

BRIAN

"Okay, what do you want, get to the point?"

VOICE

"My, my shall we get to the point...well I believe that you have almost two million dollars of fermenting wine sitting at a certain winery, we would be so pleased if you would give us a release code...we'd like to take possession of it, and you can get your coveted Sandy back in your arms.

BRIAN

"It's sitting in a cave somewhere, it's in..."

VOICE

"Barrel's...we know this Mister Cashman, but with the release code, we can just roll them out, don't worry, we know what we're doing here!"

BRIAN

"I don't even know about a release code, I've never heard of that before?"

VOICE

"On your docket, especially for Port wine, which can only be processed through a grandfathered Port fermentation certificate, look carefully in your paperwork, a release certificate should be in there somewhere?"

BRIAN

"Okay, let me see what I've got here, stuff is scattered all over the place, hold on!"

BRIAN DIALS DOWNSTAIRS ON HIS I-PHONE, WHISPERS TO DESK CLERK

BRIAN

"Look, I'm in 1812, the Cashman's in the Honeymooner's Suite, I need you to Star #69 someone that's on my land line, your house phone, find it's location if you can please?"

DESK CLERK

"Is this a police matter sir, is there something I can assist you with?"

BRIAN

"Yea, I have someone or somebody who has abducted my wife, let's not play around here!"

DESK CLERK

"Yes sir, your call apparently is coming from room 512, did you wish to notify security?"

BRIAN

"That might be a good thing, I'll meet you down on the..."

DESK CLERK

"That would be the fifth floor sir, however, I'm looking at my registry and you might have one little problem?"

BRIAN

"What problem?"

DESK CLERK

"I have no one registered in 512, the room is supposedly empty!"

BRIAN

"Well, can you go check and see what's up?"

DESK CLERK

"Security is already entering the room as I speak..."

SECURITY GUARD ENTERING ROOM SEEING NO ONE IN THE ROOM EXCEPT A RIGGED  I-PHONE WITH A BLUE BOX AUTO-DIAL GATOR CLIPPED TO HOUSE PHONE

BRIAN

"What ever he finds in there, don't touch anything, I'm still on the house line here!"

DESK CLERK

"Well, at some point we need to disconnect this, cause we have guest who have reserved that room this afternoon.

BRIAN BACK ON THE  HOUSE PHONE

BRIAN

"Hello, are you still there?"

LINE IS DEAD

BRIAN

"Shit, did the security guard touch that device?"

DESK CLERK

"Yes, I believe he did, that was not something that was authorized to be in there, why?

BRIAN

"You fucking moron, that was the communication to my wife, they are holding her hostage in trade for some wine, why did you do that?"

DESK CLERK

"I'm terribly sorry sir, I was just following procedure, you didn't inform me properly, would you like me to contact Clark County Sheriff's Office?"

BRIAN

"Yea, now there's a thought, let's do that...

DESK CLERK

"I have them on the line, hold on while I connect you."

BRIAN

"Thanks..." 

SUDDENLY BRIAN HEAR'S BANGING ON HOTEL ROOM DOOR

HE RUNS TO DOOR, SEEING SANDY WITH TAPE ALL OVER HER

SANDY

"They're on the floor below 1710, it's one of Sheffield's fuckheads, close the door, they're coming, they got guns, too!

BRIAN

Hey, desk clerk...please send everyone up here to the Honeymooner's Suite, we found our perpetrators!"

SANDY

"Fucking pricks tried to rape my ass, what have we got to fight with anyway?"

BRIAN

"Plastic butter knives...a sex swing, what?"

SUDDENLY DOOR IS KICKED IN, BOTH GUYS STANDING THERE WITH  NINE MILLIMETER GLOCKS 

BAD GUY #1

"Well, there you two are...now Miss Sandy, wasn't very nice for you to run off like that, but since we got both of you together again, might as well help Mister Cashman with his receipt book...I'm sure he has that mysterious release code somewhere?"

POLICE SHOW UP AT DOOR

OFFICER

"Clark County Sheriff's Office what's going on here, everybody keep your hands where I can see them!"

SANDY

"Theses two fuckers kidnapped my ass last night, I just escaped...from the floor below!"

HOTEL SECURITY SHOWS UP

"Let's drop the weapons guys...whatever game your playing, we're done here!

THEY BOTH DROP WEAPONS AND ARE QUICKLY HANDCUFFED

(1 HOUR LATER)

AFTER OFFICERS FILL OUT PAPERWORK AND TAKE AWAY BAD GUYS, SANDY AND BRIAN LAY BACK DOWN ON BED, BRIAN WEARING JUST A TOWEL AROUND HIS WAIST AND SANDY WITH TAPE STILL ON HER ARMS

SANDY

"Wow, how did they know we were here like that, that's a trip?

BRIAN

"The fact that the goon's from Sheffield would follow us for some partially fermented grape juice is beyond me, they kept asking about a release number, I didn't even know I had a release number, what the fuck!

SANDY

"Yea, I'll give you my release number right here..."

WRAPPING LOOSE TAPE AROUND BRIAN'S TOWEL AND PULLING IT OFF, LEAVING HIM NAKED, SHE TOUCHES HIS PENIS, AND SLOWLY CARESSES IT

BRIAN

"That's a pretty good use of tape...very creative!"

SANDY

"Yea, it was there...didn't want to waste that creative moment, you know?"

BRIAN

"So what's next here, have you got the rest of the evening planned out?"

SANDY

"I don't know about the rest of the evening, but right now, your going to pork the crap out of me, come on boy, get humping!

HE INSERTS HIMSELF AS SHE GUIDES HIM INTO HER VAGINA

SHE GIVES HIM A SWAT ON THE BUTT

SANDY

"There you go...it's rodeo time!"

BRIAN

"I'm so happy your okay!"

SANDY

"Hey, I'll second that, almost lost your cow there!

BRIAN

"God, I Love you so much, thank you, thank you...

SHE GIVES HIM ANOTHER SWAT ON THE BUTT

SANDY

"Shut up, your talking too much!"

BRIAN

"Yes Dear!"

scene close

Wine Mama (71) Matrimony Of Epidermis

Kirk Carter@ WGA Copyright 2013

WINE MAMA (71)

MATRIMONY OF EPIDERMIS

INT: GATORTAIL RESTAURANT-BRIAN'S OFFICE-MONDAY-9 A.M.

SANDY AND BRIAN GOING THROUGH SUNDAY RECEIPTS

SANDY

"You know, I didn't want to bring this up, but whatever that cincture John cooked up for you...well, it's causing your face to peel...like big time, your starting to resemble one of them Outback blooming onions!"

BRIAN

"Yea, and it's probably going to get worse before it get's better, too!"


SANDY

"It just looks weird, looks like you splattered your face with oatmeal..."


BRIAN

"Think of it like a sunburn...the body gets rid of the dead skin, to make way for the new...something like that...I just happen to be speeding up the process a bit!"

SANDY WALKS OVER AND CARESSES BRIAN'S PEELING FACE


SANDY

You know, I will always Love you my peely face,  but it's hard seeing you like this!"


BRIAN

"Within a month it will be all good, my epidermis will get it's act together...look, I'll be photo perfect!"


SANDY

"For...we're taking photos for what, anything special coming up?"


BRIAN REACHES INTO HIS JACKET AND PRODUCES A VELVET BOX

STRUGGLING UP, OUT OF HIS CHAIR, HE PROCEEDS TO GO DOWN ON ONE BURNED KNEE


BRIAN

"Sandy Hudson, I have loved you since I first laid eyes on you, from the moment you first sent me your first hate emails, to the the time you took an arrow for me, to the time you blasted the shit out of that cute little baby Bear, Sandy, with the respect of your father somewhere in the clouds, Sandy, would you marry me?"


SANDY TEARING UP

"Well, it's about time, didn't even think you had the balls for this...of course, yes of course Brian, I will marry you my sweet peely face!"

OPENING THE BOX, HE PRODUCES A ONE CARET RING IN A PEAR SHAPED DESIGN LIKE A GRAPE

THEY KISS AND EMBRASSE 


SANDY

"When you want to do this?"


BRIAN

"Could be a week, a month, a year, not like I have to ask your Dad for your hand!"


SANDY

"Yea, well both sets are up there in the clouds somewhere, probably partying their ass off, I'm sure they all approve?"


BRIAN

"Hey, let's get crazy and do Vegas...haven't been over there in years!"


SANDY

"Not a traditionalist, are you?"


BRIAN

"Hey, your the one who has been married once, like the wine, it's my first batch!"


SANDY

"Marriage is not a batch!"


BRIAN

"All right, our first complaint, out first disagreement, look, the only thing I was ever told was to say, "Yes Dear", a lot..."


SANDY

"You were taught well, it's true, don't ever argue with me ever again, I will expect you to take out the garbage every night and will demand extended foot rubs, too!"

(LONG PAUSE)


BRIAN

"Okay, that's doable!


4 HOURS LATER


HAVING ARRIVED BY WAY OF A LAST MINUTE PURCHASE OF TICKETS ON SOUTHWEST AIRLINES, A QUICK TRIP DOWN TO CITY HALL FOR A MARRIAGE LICENCE, SANDY AND BRIAN FIND THEMSELVES AT THE "LITTLE WEE CHAPEL OF THE KIRK (DANISH FOR CHURCH), IN DOWNTOWN LAS VEGAS ON LAS VEGAS BOULEVARD.

PREACHER TONY IS READING THEM THEIR VOWS


PREACHER TONY

"And do you Sandy Hudson take the hand of Brian Cashman, for better, for worse, in good times and bad times, to honor, and obey for as long as you both shall live?"


SANDY

"The obey part was a bit of a push, but yes, I do!


PREACHER TONY

"By the laws vested to me by the laws of the State of Nevada, I both pronounce you man and wife...you may kiss the bride!"

LONG  EMBRACE, BOTH GIGGLING

FROM THE BACK OF THE ROOM WITHIN THE SMALL GROUP OF PAID STRANGERS, COMES A "LOOK WHAT THE CAT DRAGGED IN!"

IT'S BRIAN'S OLD BOSS FROM THE PALMS CASINO, GEORGE MALOOF


BRIAN TURNING

"Wow, where in the hell did you come from, how did you know I was here?"


GEORGE

"My secretary, you remember Pauline, she's always trolling 
for new marriage licenses, and she saw your name come by, and I had to verify the person...that's how we keep the hotel full, or did you forget?"


BRIAN

"No, you are the hustle man, wow, you look great, how's everything been going?"


GEORGE LOOKING AT BRIAN WITH HIS PEELING BURNED FACE

"Looks like California has been a little ruff on you, that restaurant must be working you overtime?"


BRIAN

"Oh this, had to put my kitchen out, almost put me out, but I'll be okay...by the way this is Sandy Hudson..."


SANDY

"It's Sandy Cashman now, let's try to step this up a little...


BRIAN

"This is Sandy, this is George Maloof, owner of the famed Palms Hotel and Casino, and if I might say, one of the best damn people I've ever worked for!"


GEORGE

"Don't worry Sandy, he was nothing but a fucking pain in the ass, the whole time, I was so happy when he finally left to California, we had a "It's great your leaving party", which we still celebrate every year that he stays out of Vegas...actually, you've got yourself one super guy here!"


SANDY

"Thank you Mister Maloof, I think I did okay, but it like took him forever to commit, what's his problem anyway...I thought he was gay for a second!"


GEORGE LAUGHING

"Well, if you count his relations with small farm animals as being gay, however...I do know that once he commits to something, he's good for the long haul...whether that applies to other people...who knows with Brian, but even though I'm not a betting man, I think you've got yourself a sure thing here!"


BRIAN

"And were you not the man that told me the secret to a long marriage?"


GEORGE

"Yea, just say "Yes Dear" and don't ever question her vision, it's a lock!"


BRIAN

"I told you Sandy, this guy is a genius...why a lot of guys just commit suicide in the first five years!"


GEORGE

"So, what can I do you two...got the limo outside, put you up in my Honeymooner's Suite, whatcha say?"


BRIAN

"No George, that's twenty-five thousand a night...I'm making good money, but not like that?"


GEORGE

"On the house, I insist, tell him Sandy, straighten him out?"


SANDY

"It's on the house Brian, he insist...do what your told, your married now...remember!"


BRIAN

"Yes Dear, boy do I need a drink!"


GEORGE

"That wasn't so hard huh, come on...let's board the green monster and get to the hotel.


BRIAN

"I remember that first green limo you bought, all the bosses down the strip were so pissed at you, flashing off like that, but shit, it worked!


GEORGE

"Yea, well don't forget, my brothers were in denial phase for about five years, especially after I gave up controlling interest in the Kings, they thought I had lost my mind!"


BRIAN

"But that's what made it work George..."

GEORGE

"How's that?"


BRIAN

"You had already lost your mind year's before you even came to Vegas."


GEORGE

"That's right, I was completely nuts to start with, boy does Brian know me or what!"


3 HOURS LATER

AFTER A WONDERFUL DINNER, AND A LITTLE DANCING, BRIAN AND SANDY FINALLY GET TO FLOOR EIGHTEEN WHERE THE HONEYMOONER'S SUITE AWAITS THEM

BRIAN, VERY DRUNK, ATTEMPTS TO PICK SANDY UP AND CARRY HER THROUGH THE THRESHOLD, BURNED ARMS AND ALL

AS HE GOES TO PICK HER UP, HE TILTS FOR A SECOND TRYING TO SLIDE CARD KEY AND THEY BOTH TUMBLE TO THE FLOOR

THEY LAY THERE FOR A SECOND, FINALLY SANDY WALKS INTO THE DOOR FRAME, GRABS BRIAN BY THE ANKLES AND PROCEEDS TO DRAG HIM IN, RIGHT AS A COUPLE PASSES IN THE HALLWAY

SANDY SMILES AT THEM, LOOKING UP

"I swear, I don't know what's gotten into men these days, they just don't want to committ...you have to literally drag them into the bedroom...but don't worry, I got me a keeper here..you'all have a good night!"

CLOSING DOOR


COUPLE IN HALLWAY COMMENTING TO EACH OTHER

MAN

"How come you couldn't have more aggressive like she was?"


LADY

"My dear, if I had to drag you by the ankles to get our family started, I would have...it's just something that never occurred to me...I grew up in a different time, different set of rules!"


MAN

"Guess standards change, the world will never be the same!"


LADY

"Personally, I think it goes in cycles...seems we've been here before in another time!"


MAN

"It probably did...just takes a little while to get the hang of it, but I'm game!"

(scene switch)

HAVING CLOSED THE DOOR, SANDY AND BRIAN JUST STARE AT THE LAYOUT

BIG CIRCULAR BED ON A MOTORIZED PEDESTAL, A TRAPEZE, SWING ABOVE THE BED, A LOVE SEAT HANGING IN THE CORNER ON SPRINGS, AND A STAIRCASE THAT LEADS UP TO THE TOP OF A HUGE EIGHT FOOT MARTINI GLASS THAT HAS SEATS INSIDE WITH JUST ENOUGH BUBBLING WATER TO SIT INSIDE WITHOUT DROWNING


SANDY

"Wow Brian...this is something else, where do we start?"


BRIAN

"Well, I figure we'll make a weekend of it, John's watching the Gator, so there's no rush, one thing at a time!"


SANDY

"Hell no, I want to do it all!"

BRIAN GRABBING SANDY UP IN HIS ARMS AND CARRYING HER BACK TO THE FRONT DOOR, OPENING IT, HE CARRIES HER BACK OUT INTO THE THE HALLWAY, THEN DOUBLES BACK THROUGH THE ENTRANCE OF THE THRESHOLD AGAIN


BRIAN

"That was for good luck, want to start this right..."

HE CONTINUES ON TO THE MOTORIZED BED THAT IS SLOWLY TURNING AND LAYS HER GENTLY DOWN IN THE MIDDLE


SANDY

"Aw, that is so sweet...oh Mister Cashman, I Love you so much, thank you, thank you for bringing me into your world, your life, your...your forever!"


BRIAN

"Well Mizz Cashman, thank you for letting me into your future, helping me see my dream, and being my best friend..."


SANDY

"With benefits!"


BRIAN

"Yes, with benefits...may we both grow young at heart, as we boldly grow old within each other's arms, together forever..."


SANDY

"That's so perfect, just like you...well without the peelings, the excessive stuff anyway."



BRIAN

"It will soon go away, the epidermis will provide new skin, time will tell, but first things first..."

THEY BOTH TURN THEIR HEADS, STARING AT THE OVER SIZED MARTINI GLASS


SANDY

"Race you to the glass?"


BRIAN

"No you don't..."

THEY BOTH JUMP UP, RUNNING UP THE STAIRWELL WHERE THEY BOTH DIVE INTO THE OVER SIZED VESSEL, CLOTHES AND ALL

BRIAN COMES UP

"Well, that was certainly refreshing!"


SANDY COMES TO THE SURFACE

"I brought my ear rubbers, too!"


BRIAN

"Oh, hell no...we're not going through that again...

BOTH LAUGHING IN EACH OTHER'S ARMS



scene close