Wine Mama (68) Fire In The Coffee

Kirk Carter@ WGA Copyright 2013

WINE MAMA (68)

FIRE IN THE COFFEE

INT: BRIAN'S HOUSE-FRIDAY-6 A.M.

BRIAN AND SANDY DOING USUAL MORNING SEXUAL CALISTHENICS

ARTHUR WITH HIS BROKEN ARM, STILL ASLEEP IN SLEEPING BAG 

CAPTAIN FRANKS IN KITCHEN TRYING TO FIGURE OUT BRIAN'S ADVANCED COFFEE MACHINE 

CAPTAIN FRANKS READING INSTRUCTIONS, TALKING TO HIMSELF

"Let's see...place coffee cylinder into receiver mode before inserting cartridge, then activate pressurization compressor when first green light appears, this will insure that the exuding process is properly pressurized of selected cylinder of product to be processed, ah...wait till the two green light appear showing activation before actual insertion, unit will show three green lights when steam temperature has achieved selected brew temperature...fuck...all this to make a stinking cup of coffee?"

CAPTAIN FRANKS TURNS ON UNIT

UNIT STARTS TO FLASH ORANGE ERROR LIGHT

HE WALKS OUT OF KITCHEN INTO LIVING ROOM, WALKING OVER THE STILL ASLEEP ARTHUR, GOES TO BAR AND SEE'S PACKETS OF FOLGER'S INSTANT COFFEE NEXT TO A BOTTLE OF BAILY'S IRISH CREAM

CAPTAIN FRANKS SAYING TO HIMSELF

"Now, that's what I'm talking about...there you go!"

(scene switch)

BRIAN'S BEDROOM

BRIAN

"Hey, Kama Sutra page twenty-seven says enter upside-down which allows you to tongue my balls while I'm doing it, wow...you game?"

SANDY

"I say, the sun has only risen after the sausage has spoken...I believe that's called an ear fuck!"

BRIAN

"Girl...you want to eat first before we try this?"

SANDY

"Yea, you go wash your balls and I'll clean my ears out, put my little ear rubbers on, and then we'll discuss, assuming of course that you have fed the bitch well...and yes, I will be playing the part of the well fed bitch...the one with the ear rubbers on...deal?"

BRIAN

"I will be your food slave my goddess, only because you eat more food than a gang of oil field workers who have fasted for a week due to a storm...I mean any girl your size can't, well you do...what am I saying...any girl I've ever been with..."

SANDY

Oh cont-rare, I'm a girl with needs, I have a hypoglycemic index off the charts, my metabolism is all screwed up...it's always on hyper-drive, and every time I look at you, I get an internal woody...it's chick thing, only in reverse...but fret not my knight wearing only the gold chain...I request only good food, good dick, and a little vino...then and only then do I become happy girl...the girl of amazing happiness..."

BRIAN

"Do you smell something?"

SANDY

"So, you question my simple desires with a diversion...I know, I'm complicated by own simplicity, shit I do smell something, what is that?"

BRIAN

"Whoa, something's burning...let's go!"

THEY BOTH GO RUNNING OUT OF BEDROOM SEEING SMOKE POURING OUT OF KITCHEN

ARTHUR STARTS TO GET UP, NURSING BROKEN ARM

ARTHUR

"What the hell's going on man, you roasting something or...

SANDY

"Hey, Arthur, get your butt out in the back, go over by the porch!"

SANDY ESCORTING ARTHUR TO THE PORCH, SHE SPOTS ARTHUR PASSED OUT IN CHAIR ON PORCH, HE AWAKES

CAPTAIN FRANKS

"Hey, are you roasting a new recipe, cause it smells like shit if you are?"

SANDY

"No, did you do something in the kitchen?"

CAPTAIN FRANKS

"Yea, I tried to start that computerized coffee monster in there..what in the hell happened to the Mister Coffee machine, doesn't anybody just kick it with the instant shit anymore?"

(scene switch)

BRIAN IN KITCHEN TRYING TO UNPLUG COFFEE MAKER AS FLAMES TRAVERSE ACROSS COUNTER, CATCHING FIRE INTO GREASE TRAP, BLOWING UP, GREASE FALLING UNTO BRIAN'S NEARLY NAKED BODY, HE FALLS TO THE FLOOR WITH A ROLL. COMING UNTO THE WALL, HE LOOKS UP SEEING A FIRE EXTINGUISHER WHICH AFTER PULLING THE SAFETY PIN USES ON HIMSELF, THEN GETTING UP AND FINALLY PUTTING OUT FIRE ITSELF

SMOKE DETECTORS GOING OFF ALL OVER THE HOUSE

MODESTO FIRE TRUCKS START SHOWING UP

SANDY, ARTHUR, AND CAPTAIN FRANKS RUN OUT FRONT DOOR

SANDY

"Well we're all accounted for...except for Brian, I think he's in the kitchen.

FIREMAN

"Okay mam, everybody stay put, we're going in!"

SEVERAL FIREMEN GOING INTO HOUSE, THEN INTO KITCHEN, SEEING BRIAN ALMOST UNCONSCIOUS LAYING ON FLOOR ROLLING AROUND WITH OBVIOUS BURNS ON HIS ARMS AND FACE 

FIREMAN

"Looks like we have smoke inhalation and second-degree burns here, put some salve on him and wrap him up!"

PARAMEDIC

"Yes sir, let's get him out of this smoke..."

(2 HOURS LATER)

(scene switch)

SANDY, ARTHUR, AND CAPTAIN FRANKS SITTING IN WAITING ROOM AT MODESTO GENERAL, DOCTOR PETERS COMES OUT

"Are you Sandy Cashman?"

SANDY

"Well, it's still Hudson, but we're working on it!

"DOCTOR PETERS

"Well, he incurred a little lung damage and some burns to his face and arms, but otherwise, he's a tuff guy, he'll be okay?

SANDY

"He's defied death so many times it's not even funny, can I go see him?"

DOCTOR PETERS

"Well...we have him pretty medicated, but just for a second!"

SANDY GOES RUNNING INTO BRIAN'S ROOM

SANDY

"Oh baby, what's cooking?"

BRIAN TRYING TO SMILE

"Apparently me!"

SANDY

"When we get home I'm going to make you some nice chicken soup and some mac and cheese, I'll take good care of you."

BRIAN 

"Why is it always chicken soup and mac and cheese?"

SANDY

"One comes in a can, the other one in a box, what's to figure?"

BRIAN

"Ask John to come baby me, at least he can bring me stuff from the Gatortail...why don't you go manage, you seem to have the knack for that shit?"

SANDY

"Maybe I will, but in the meantime, I need to know if everything still works...you know, down there, you didn't burn your wienie or anything, huh?"

BRIAN

"No, but it was close...I'm in pain right now..."

SANDY REACHES OVER ADJUSTING THE DRIP RATE ON HIS OPIATES 

SANDY

"No your not...as a matter of fact, your going to forget all about those nasty burns mister...they are all going away, I'm taking you to my personal cloud where all the good boys get to stay!"

BRIAN'S EYES DIALED BACK AND WITH JUST A MURMUR

"Oh, my Angel, my Angel, my Love, wherever your taking me, just be gentle, full of purpose...oh God yes, just what the doctor ordered..."

AS SANDY HAS NOW PULLED UP HIS MEDICAL GOWN AND IS PERFORMING FELLATIO ON HIS MEMBER

BRIAN

"What medical group are you associated with mam?"

SANDY

"I'm a lubricator with the Fireman's Fund, we help the disadvantaged who are trying to enjoy their Demerol drip to it's maximum intensity!"

BRIAN

"Is that what I'm feeling, you have credentials girl?"

SANDY

"Actually, I'm a looped out Candy Stripier impostor with no history of being in this country!"

BRIAN

"Oh good, didn't want all that paperwork anyway...by all means, continue please!"

SANDY

"Mmm, Hmm, Mmm, Hmm, I've got my mouth full of ear rubbers, please stay in position...you should achieve max velocity in about..."

BRIAN

"Oh God Yes, Oh God Yes, Oh God yes...

SANDY PULLS HIM OUT OF HER MOUTH

SANDY

"That will be one home cooked dinner, a back rub, and an ear fuck please...come on mister, don't leave me hanging, I have other patients to take to my cloud!"

BRIAN HAS COMPLETELY PASSED OUT

SANDY REACHES OVER AND KISSES HIS BURNED CHEEK AND LEAVES THE ROOM

SANDY TURNING AT DOOR

"Hang in there big boy, I'll be waiting for you...Love you!"