Kirk Carter@ WGA Copyright 2013
WINE MAMA (67)
WOLVES IN THE HEN HOUSE
INT: COLUMBUS WINERY-BATCH OPERATIONS-9 A.M.
AS BRIAN'S GRAPE SLUDGE MAKES IT'S WAY THROUGH THE FERMENTING OPERATIONS, TWO GUYS WHO RON SHEFFIELD SENT OVER THERE TO INTERRUPT THE ADVANCE IN PROCESSING, POSING AS INSPECTORS, JUST GOT SIGHTED OUT BY SECURITY OFFICERS
SECURITY GUARD #1
"Hey you two, what are you doing up there, where did you come from?"
SLEEZE-BALL #1 (JACOB HILLERY)
"Ah, with ATF sir, just taking samples for bacteria counts...thought you already knew we were here?"
SECURITY GUARD #1
"Heck no, we always have prewarning on any inspectors on the property...daily!"
JACOB
"Well, we have badges here, but we were following up on some activity, don't worry, we're almost through taking samples here, just give us a minute..."
SECURITY GUARD #1
"No...come down now, I'm not giving you so much as second either...keep your hands where I can see them!"
SECURITY GUARD #1 RADIOS TO FRONT GATE
"Hey, I got two gentleman here claiming they were doing a special inspection with the ATF, say they have badges, what's the deal man?"
GATE GUARD
"Yea, they came in this morning, had all their paperwork, official looking car I guess, looked like they knew what they were doing, looked pretty routine to me...why what's wrong?
SECURITY GUARURD #1
"Just smelling some sneaky ass Wolves in the Hen House, I mean these fuckers are all the way on the vat bridge, and it didn't look like they were taking any samples either...what gives?"
GATE GUARD
"Hold on one second, let me verify these names...man I'm sorry, my girl's been giving me trouble again...you know, want to start a family on a Guard's income, it's just been a..."
SECURITY GUARD #1
"Man, shut the hell up about all that, give me some verification...I don't want to pull a weapon till I'm sure about this..."
GATE GUARD
"Alright my brother, look I can't find anyone with those names in my file, so do what you got to do and I'll call the cops...is that okay?"
SECURITY GUARD #1
"Let me contact Mister Ward and see where he wants to take this...just hold on!"
S.G #1 CALLS BILL WARD'S OFFICE
WARD
"Hello Clarence, what's up?"
S.G. #1
"Well, I was on my patrol over here in processing, see these two guys up here above the production area, up on the platform...gate says they let them through without checking, and from what they telling me, they were suppose to be checking for a bacterial swab...what do you want to do Boss?"
WARD
"By all means, bring 'em over to the office...I'd be interested in seeing what agency sent them over...put a rush on it why don't you...thanks."
S.G. #1
"Right away Boss!"
CLARENCE PULLS HIS SERVICE REVOLVER AND STARTS TO WALK OVER WHERE THE TWO MEN HAVE JUST BEEN TRYING TO LOOK PREOCCUPIED WITH A BAG OF COTTON SWABS AND A COLLECTION BAG
SLEAZE-BALL #1 (JACOB)
GATE GUARD
"Alright my brother, look I can't find anyone with those names in my file, so do what you got to do and I'll call the cops...is that okay?"
SECURITY GUARD #1
"Let me contact Mister Ward and see where he wants to take this...just hold on!"
S.G #1 CALLS BILL WARD'S OFFICE
WARD
"Hello Clarence, what's up?"
S.G. #1
"Well, I was on my patrol over here in processing, see these two guys up here above the production area, up on the platform...gate says they let them through without checking, and from what they telling me, they were suppose to be checking for a bacterial swab...what do you want to do Boss?"
WARD
"By all means, bring 'em over to the office...I'd be interested in seeing what agency sent them over...put a rush on it why don't you...thanks."
S.G. #1
"Right away Boss!"
CLARENCE PULLS HIS SERVICE REVOLVER AND STARTS TO WALK OVER WHERE THE TWO MEN HAVE JUST BEEN TRYING TO LOOK PREOCCUPIED WITH A BAG OF COTTON SWABS AND A COLLECTION BAG
SLEAZE-BALL #1 (JACOB)
"So, sir...what did the "Boss" have to say?"
S.G. #1
"He says he would be very interested in seeing you right now...doesn't look like you two will be getting home early...that's for sure, now let's have some names?"
JACOB
"I'm telling you, you've made a terrible mistake...however my name is Jacob...Jacob Hillery, and this is Tony Brown with the ATF.
S.G. #1
"Well, they call me Clarence...but you can call me a big old mean-assed black man if you want...I prefer to squish my bugs into all kinds of shapes and sizes...so if you a bug, one of them squishy types...I'd be getting a little concerned at this point, understand me?"
SLEAZE-BALL #2 (TONY BROWN)
"Sir, I really think your getting all this terribly out of proportion...it's not what you think?"
S.G. #1
"Portions...I like that, like portion control...no waste, even through all the bullshit...yea, that's a good one!"
S.G. #1
"He says he would be very interested in seeing you right now...doesn't look like you two will be getting home early...that's for sure, now let's have some names?"
JACOB
"I'm telling you, you've made a terrible mistake...however my name is Jacob...Jacob Hillery, and this is Tony Brown with the ATF.
S.G. #1
"Well, they call me Clarence...but you can call me a big old mean-assed black man if you want...I prefer to squish my bugs into all kinds of shapes and sizes...so if you a bug, one of them squishy types...I'd be getting a little concerned at this point, understand me?"
SLEAZE-BALL #2 (TONY BROWN)
"Sir, I really think your getting all this terribly out of proportion...it's not what you think?"
S.G. #1
"Portions...I like that, like portion control...no waste, even through all the bullshit...yea, that's a good one!"
WALKING UP TO THEM WITH GUN POINTED, HE LOOK DOWN TO SEE A FIVE POUND BAG OF WHITE POWDER, UNOPENED SITTING BY POST ON FLOOR GRATE
JACOB
"That's just stuff we collected."
S.G. #1
"Oh come on man, that shit ain't even opened, what you got in there...come on, let me lend out a little jewelry here...just promise to give it back when we're through...dead or alive, promise?"
CLARENCE PROCEEDS TO HANDCUFF BOTH THE MEN BEHIND THEIR BACKS
HE PICKS UP BAG AND PUSHES HIS GUN INTO THEIR BACKS
JACOB
"Sir, you are going to be so sorry your doing this...we have official business here!"
S.G. #1
"At this point, you two is officially my business, now don't fuck with me and get your asses walking...you and white bag of who knows what...come on!"
(5 Minutes Later)
WALKING INTO WARD'S OFFICE
BILL WARD OVER IN CORNER PUTTING A GOLF BALL ON SOME FAKE GRASS INTO HIS POP O MATIC
WARD
"Hello, hello gentlemen, how are we doing today?"
JACOB
"Just taking samples for the FDA sir, how about yourself?"
WARD
"Oh, come on...please I insist you make yourselves comfortable, let's enjoy our time together while we figure out the truth...why don't we do that huh...Clarence, help the gentlemen into their seats, all those dangling handcuffs, all that clanging, you sound like ghost from Christmas past...Cratchet would have a fit...so you'll both be helping with my golf swing it will be your major contribution this morning...are we feeling game, huh?"
S.G. #1
"Hey boss, they had this big old bag of white powder, it's all sealed up...what you think it is?"
WARD
"Well, I'm sure it's not powdered sugar, that's for sure..."
OPENING UP BAG HE IMMEDIATELY STUDIES PRODUCTION CODE IN SMALL PRINT
THE LABEL SAYS "BICARBONATE OF SODA"
(cont.) WARD
"...This is fucking baking soda, you pricks...someone way above your pay grade knew what this would do to our batch...killing our yeast without a clue...is that it?"
JACOB
"We were taking samples, we're with the FDA sir!"
WARD WALKS UP TO THE TWO OF THEM WITH GOLF CLUB IN HAND
STARTS TO RUN IT UP AND DOWN THEIR FACES LIKE A STUDY
WARD
"Well, you know...back in the old days you would have been looking up at the bottom branch of a tree, as you dangle from a rope...but that would be too inconclusive, no satisfaction for me or my clients, so I'll just give you a moment to explain yourselfs before we go any further..."
SLEEZE-BALL #2 (TONY BROWN)
"Look Mister Ward, it was just a big mistake...we were just getting ready to leave, got to get back to the office, everything you got here is clean, your good to..."
WARD SMACKS CLUB AGAINST TONY'S BRAIN, OPENING UP A BLEED ON HIS RIGHT TEMPLE
WARD
"Aw, look at the mess your making, if you were going to do a blood donation, at least go to the center first you dickhead...now I have to call my cleaning crew up, just look at this mess...and you were saying fuck...what?
TONY CRYING AS HIS HEAD IS BLEEDING OUT
TONY
"Look, it's not worth this Jake...I only did it for the c-note...you said I'd be with my girl if I helped out, I don't want any part of this!
WARD
"Well, it looks like strike one for the winery, wonder if Mister Jacob would care to participate?"
WARD TAKING GOLF CLUB AND PLACING IT IN FRONT OF HIS CROTCH, PUSHING THE CLUB HEAD AGAINST HIS TESTICLES
JACOB
"Look...we don't have to go through all this, you caught us, your batch has been saved man, I swear it's unharmed, so whatever...you know what I..."
WARD PULLS THE CLUB SHAFT BACK AND SWINGING IT INTO HIS TESTICLES
JACOB BENDS OVER, FIGHTING AGAINST THE HANDCUFFS, ATTEMPTING TO THROW UP ON THE FLOOR, NOW GAGGING
WARD
"Four...yea, I have to remember to call that before the shot...sorry about that...now you were saying what?"
JACOB (STUMBLING WORDS)
"Look, look...it was Sheffield all right...he was the one who put this all together, but if we go back over there, he'll have us killed off, I don't want to loose Tony, he's bleeding pretty bad...please fix him up, you got what you wanted, let us out of here..."
WARD
"Boy, one hit in the nutts and doesn't one become chatty...all kinds of shit falling out of your mouth...well, what if I save Mister Sheffield some time and just kill you off myself?"
S.G. #1
"Let me have 'em boss, my cousin could make bait out of 'em...catfish be kicking on that shit!"
WARD
"No, here's how this is going to go down...we empty the bag of baking soda, give Mister sore nutts here the bag, and let him go back over to Sheffield, telling him...
JACOB
"I'm telling you Mister Ward, he'll kill both of..."
WARD
"Shut-up, I wasn't through speaking you fucking moron...
WARD TAKES GOLF CLUB AND HITS HIM IN THE TESTICLES AGAIN
JACOB SCREAMS OUT
JACOB
"Please sir, I can't handle this, what do you want?"
WARD
"If you wouldn't had been such a dickweed and interrupted me, to simply take your empty baking soda bag back over and tell him that the mission is complete, take your money, and nobody knows anything, sound like a deal?"
TONY
"Just put some pressure on my head, I'm getting dizzy!"
WARD
"I get the distinct feeling that you were born dizzy my poor hole in the head...now Clarence here will kindly unchain you, empty your bag here, and you two gentlemen can be on your way...are we good?"
JACOB
"What's the catch, why are you just cutting us loose...your probably gonna just call ahead and tell Sheffield what happened, I don't like this!"
WARD
"Oh dear, finicky are we, perhaps you won't know till it's too late...in the grand scheme of things, look at it this way...life's a crap shoot...you live on fifty-fifty, like any good game of cards, you walk by the blackjack table one time and just say "Money Rides", and it's always fifty-fifty...question is, since your balls are already on the table...your already in the game, so stop having a fucking shit-fit over it...the dice have been rolled, understand me, use your better judgement for another time, as far as I'm concerned, everything that has occured this morning has me unusually satisfied..."
JACOB
"Okay, okay...you've got my word, thank you for another chance, no really, I mean that sir!"
TONY HAVING HIS HEAD BANADAGED UP BY CLARENCE
TONY
"But sir, if you'll excuse my ignorance in this matter, why are you so happy about this, it's got me confused?"
WARD
"As it should...especially after taking such a marvelous swing from my trusting putter...now look, here's the over-all...you go back to Sheffield, tell him the job's been done, he's thinking that poor Cashman's sludge has been destroyed, he's happy, while I complete the processing, I'm happy, and you two are still fucking breathing...that makes you what?"
JACOB AND TONY SPEAK TOGETHER AS CLARENCE LEADS THEM DOWN THE HALL
"Very happy..."
WARD
"There you go...now you gentlemen have a nice day, oh...and tell Mister Sheffield I send my Love why don't you...what a blessing he is...what a blessing!"
scene close
JACOB
"That's just stuff we collected."
S.G. #1
"Oh come on man, that shit ain't even opened, what you got in there...come on, let me lend out a little jewelry here...just promise to give it back when we're through...dead or alive, promise?"
CLARENCE PROCEEDS TO HANDCUFF BOTH THE MEN BEHIND THEIR BACKS
HE PICKS UP BAG AND PUSHES HIS GUN INTO THEIR BACKS
JACOB
"Sir, you are going to be so sorry your doing this...we have official business here!"
S.G. #1
"At this point, you two is officially my business, now don't fuck with me and get your asses walking...you and white bag of who knows what...come on!"
(5 Minutes Later)
WALKING INTO WARD'S OFFICE
BILL WARD OVER IN CORNER PUTTING A GOLF BALL ON SOME FAKE GRASS INTO HIS POP O MATIC
WARD
"Hello, hello gentlemen, how are we doing today?"
JACOB
"Just taking samples for the FDA sir, how about yourself?"
WARD
"Oh, come on...please I insist you make yourselves comfortable, let's enjoy our time together while we figure out the truth...why don't we do that huh...Clarence, help the gentlemen into their seats, all those dangling handcuffs, all that clanging, you sound like ghost from Christmas past...Cratchet would have a fit...so you'll both be helping with my golf swing it will be your major contribution this morning...are we feeling game, huh?"
S.G. #1
"Hey boss, they had this big old bag of white powder, it's all sealed up...what you think it is?"
WARD
"Well, I'm sure it's not powdered sugar, that's for sure..."
OPENING UP BAG HE IMMEDIATELY STUDIES PRODUCTION CODE IN SMALL PRINT
THE LABEL SAYS "BICARBONATE OF SODA"
(cont.) WARD
"...This is fucking baking soda, you pricks...someone way above your pay grade knew what this would do to our batch...killing our yeast without a clue...is that it?"
JACOB
"We were taking samples, we're with the FDA sir!"
WARD WALKS UP TO THE TWO OF THEM WITH GOLF CLUB IN HAND
STARTS TO RUN IT UP AND DOWN THEIR FACES LIKE A STUDY
WARD
"Well, you know...back in the old days you would have been looking up at the bottom branch of a tree, as you dangle from a rope...but that would be too inconclusive, no satisfaction for me or my clients, so I'll just give you a moment to explain yourselfs before we go any further..."
SLEEZE-BALL #2 (TONY BROWN)
"Look Mister Ward, it was just a big mistake...we were just getting ready to leave, got to get back to the office, everything you got here is clean, your good to..."
WARD SMACKS CLUB AGAINST TONY'S BRAIN, OPENING UP A BLEED ON HIS RIGHT TEMPLE
WARD
"Aw, look at the mess your making, if you were going to do a blood donation, at least go to the center first you dickhead...now I have to call my cleaning crew up, just look at this mess...and you were saying fuck...what?
TONY CRYING AS HIS HEAD IS BLEEDING OUT
TONY
"Look, it's not worth this Jake...I only did it for the c-note...you said I'd be with my girl if I helped out, I don't want any part of this!
WARD
"Well, it looks like strike one for the winery, wonder if Mister Jacob would care to participate?"
WARD TAKING GOLF CLUB AND PLACING IT IN FRONT OF HIS CROTCH, PUSHING THE CLUB HEAD AGAINST HIS TESTICLES
JACOB
"Look...we don't have to go through all this, you caught us, your batch has been saved man, I swear it's unharmed, so whatever...you know what I..."
WARD PULLS THE CLUB SHAFT BACK AND SWINGING IT INTO HIS TESTICLES
JACOB BENDS OVER, FIGHTING AGAINST THE HANDCUFFS, ATTEMPTING TO THROW UP ON THE FLOOR, NOW GAGGING
WARD
"Four...yea, I have to remember to call that before the shot...sorry about that...now you were saying what?"
JACOB (STUMBLING WORDS)
"Look, look...it was Sheffield all right...he was the one who put this all together, but if we go back over there, he'll have us killed off, I don't want to loose Tony, he's bleeding pretty bad...please fix him up, you got what you wanted, let us out of here..."
WARD
"Boy, one hit in the nutts and doesn't one become chatty...all kinds of shit falling out of your mouth...well, what if I save Mister Sheffield some time and just kill you off myself?"
S.G. #1
"Let me have 'em boss, my cousin could make bait out of 'em...catfish be kicking on that shit!"
WARD
"No, here's how this is going to go down...we empty the bag of baking soda, give Mister sore nutts here the bag, and let him go back over to Sheffield, telling him...
JACOB
"I'm telling you Mister Ward, he'll kill both of..."
WARD
"Shut-up, I wasn't through speaking you fucking moron...
WARD TAKES GOLF CLUB AND HITS HIM IN THE TESTICLES AGAIN
JACOB SCREAMS OUT
JACOB
"Please sir, I can't handle this, what do you want?"
WARD
"If you wouldn't had been such a dickweed and interrupted me, to simply take your empty baking soda bag back over and tell him that the mission is complete, take your money, and nobody knows anything, sound like a deal?"
TONY
"Just put some pressure on my head, I'm getting dizzy!"
WARD
"I get the distinct feeling that you were born dizzy my poor hole in the head...now Clarence here will kindly unchain you, empty your bag here, and you two gentlemen can be on your way...are we good?"
JACOB
"What's the catch, why are you just cutting us loose...your probably gonna just call ahead and tell Sheffield what happened, I don't like this!"
WARD
"Oh dear, finicky are we, perhaps you won't know till it's too late...in the grand scheme of things, look at it this way...life's a crap shoot...you live on fifty-fifty, like any good game of cards, you walk by the blackjack table one time and just say "Money Rides", and it's always fifty-fifty...question is, since your balls are already on the table...your already in the game, so stop having a fucking shit-fit over it...the dice have been rolled, understand me, use your better judgement for another time, as far as I'm concerned, everything that has occured this morning has me unusually satisfied..."
JACOB
"Okay, okay...you've got my word, thank you for another chance, no really, I mean that sir!"
TONY HAVING HIS HEAD BANADAGED UP BY CLARENCE
TONY
"But sir, if you'll excuse my ignorance in this matter, why are you so happy about this, it's got me confused?"
WARD
"As it should...especially after taking such a marvelous swing from my trusting putter...now look, here's the over-all...you go back to Sheffield, tell him the job's been done, he's thinking that poor Cashman's sludge has been destroyed, he's happy, while I complete the processing, I'm happy, and you two are still fucking breathing...that makes you what?"
JACOB AND TONY SPEAK TOGETHER AS CLARENCE LEADS THEM DOWN THE HALL
"Very happy..."
WARD
"There you go...now you gentlemen have a nice day, oh...and tell Mister Sheffield I send my Love why don't you...what a blessing he is...what a blessing!"
scene close
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